So, I came home from work today and started to look at what exercise options I need to get into. As I have said on many occasions ‘exercise is medicine’. But tonight that medicine feels hard to swallow.
The responsibility for giving me the best future for the longest time, feels like it doesn’t belong to my GP, my Neurologist, my Parkinson’s Nurse or anyone else. It fits squarely – and feels a bit unfairly – with me. Tonight I feel the weight of that responsibility. The weight of what I do now will impact my future and shape what that might look like. How long I can stave off the worst of the Parkinson’s symptoms. Will I look back and say, ‘I could have/should have done better?’
Perhaps I am just tired tonight after a busy weekend and first day back at work. But, as I looked at my options of going to the gym, doing Aquarobics, riding my bike and finding time for other things in life, it all felt overwhelming. What if I don’t do it right? What if I do too much? Not enough? Don’t rest enough? Rest too much? How do I find balance in this crazy new life with Parkinson’s?
So, I said to my husband ‘I feel blah!’ At first I couldn’t identify why or what I was feeling. But, I started to try to explain it and burst into tears. Am I strong enough? I sometimes wonder. I try very hard to live in the moment and be positive. But, there are times when the enormity of having this condition just jumps up and bites me. I can’t deny that at times I get frightened and uncertain. I can’t deny nights like tonight when I feel like it’s too hard and I’m not sure if I am doing this life right. If I am giving myself the best chance I can.
I want to live my best life and most of the time I think I do pretty well. Having had depression in the past many years ago, there is one thing that I have learned about myself. Some days are just ‘blah’. A sometimes non-specific feeling of sadness, blues, melancholy or general low mood. I could sit and try and analyse what exactly is causing these feelings, but that doesn’t necessarily help.
So, today I just feel ‘blah’. I will try to accept it is just one of those days when I am having a bit of a not so good day. Not even a whole day, but just this evening for some reason. Not to analyse it too closely or even perhaps try to. Just to accept that this is a moment in time when I just feel what I feel and in acknowledging it, it will pass. I have a right to my feelings and I cannot help what I feel.
It is what it is. It is a blip, in a moment in time. It will pass. I will go on. Tomorrow is another day and I will invest in the moment, get over this feeling and get on.