Sometimes the things that give us the most pleasure can also cause the most pain.
In this instance, I am talking about my return to bowls. This morning, I had my very first ever bowling competition in a singles match between myself and another woman who has been bowling only a very short time. I thought we would at least be on a par, but oh how wrong was I!
The game was played until whoever reached a score of 21. All during the match, I had so much trouble delivering a decent bowl. In fact, I think this must rank as the most terrible game of my entire bowling life. Anything that could go wrong did go wrong and I became more and more frustrated with myself. I was bowling too hard and the bowls would end up in the ditch. Or, I would go too wide and they would be removed from the green because they were out of bounds. Or I would bowl too narrow and again the bowl would end up out of bounds.
The more I tried to figure out what was going wrong, the more wrong it got. I bowled wobbly bowls. I couldn’t figure out if I was holding the bowl right and tried altering that, to no effect. I tried to slow down and breathe and relax and that didn’t work. I tried everything I could think of and still no improvement. In the end, despite all my efforts to remedy the situation, my opponent beat me 21-3. The most embarrassing result of my career.
I came home and cried.
Why is it so important to me? Because it used to be something I could do pretty well in the past. Getting back to playing bowls was my goal all through my recovery from my knee surgery and latterly my back surgery. Nothing else really, apart from obviously wanting to rid myself of the excruciating pain I had been in. I had one goal. Just one goal. Today I felt that I may never be able to play a decent bowl. I came home defeated and despondent, wondering if this was another win to Parkies with a huge loss to me. Wondering if it was too late and that my brain couldn’t function well enough to learn and do what I wanted it to do.
So, here I am, once more putting my heart and soul on this page. Working through my feelings and feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sad, mad, disappointed, down in the dumps and generally in rather a negative mood.
Anyone who has followed this blog will know that I always try to be positive, but most of all to be real when I am not. I have never pulled any punches when it came to saying what my thoughts and feelings are. I have always been honest and when things have not gone right, I have opened up and talked about it in this blog.
As with anyone, my life cannot be all sunshine and roses. Life can be hard anyway at age 64 with a myriad of complicated symptoms from my various maladies. I have always told myself to be honest with myself and others about how I feel. I want and need to be authentic in this blog and in my podcasts. If I am not, it ceases to be something that supports me or others and I would block myself from clawing my way back to a better space.
So, yes. Today was hard. You may say “it’s just a game” but it has been something I have promised myself for many, many years that I would follow in the footsteps of those in my family who came before me and play this beautiful game. If I cannot achieve that, it will be a hard thing for me to get over. It’s not just a game to me, it is a link to my forebears and if they are looking down on me I want them to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me.
Well, tomorrow afternoon is the Saturday roll-up.
Tomorrow, I will try to – as it says in a song – “pick myself up, dust myself off and try all over again!”
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a return to the usual positive me.
My journey with Parkinsons 
My favorite quote — Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. — Emerson … we are all very often too hard on ourselves.
Thanks for your insight. Paul
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Hi. I hope all is well with you. I know that I am hard on myself and have high expectations of myself. I need to give myself credit for how much I have been able to achieve since having two significant operations and having Parkies to deal with every day. I have had lots of help from friends I have made at the bowling club and offers to help me to get back on track again. One in particular, another lady called Sue, has offered to come down to the club with me after 4pm or 5pm and get some practice in. I also realised today, that I have to trust my instincts and listen to them, not the many, many helpful people who have jumbled my brain with too much input. I need to work things out for myself I think.
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“…I have to trust my instincts and listen to them, not the many, many helpful people who have jumbled my brain with too much input. I need to work things out for myself I think.” — indeed. When Cheryl was still alive there were many well meaning people who thought they were offering solutions. Godspeed to you.
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Sometimes there can be too much input from people and we need to learn how to navigate this world the way it works for us. I find too many people with too many opinions exhausting and ultimately not helpful.
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