There comes a time in most couples’ lives where there is a major change in how those lives are lived. In fact, there are several but here are some thoughts.
If you have brought up children together and the last child leaves home, this major change can – for some – mean that the couple may have discovered that all they have in common is the children. They have ‘stayed for the children’ and then when they are off on their own life’s adventures the couple may find that there is not enough left to continue to live together. Friends and family may be completely blindsided by this, after thinking that the couple had a great relationship.
The other risky time that I am currently experiencing is retirement. I retired just over a year ago on 9/5/24. There were a number of things that lead me to the big decision to retire and it has turned out that it was the best thing I could have done for several reasons. But, there are some risks inherent in facing the reality of retirement. I am acutely aware of the fact that my husband is still working and that I cannot do so anymore.
A brief background of us. We met in 2004 after finding each other online. I had been married twice before and he had never been married. I had three kids on the way to growing up and leaving home. He had none. I had lived with two husbands, he had never lived with anyone. My second husband was abusive and controlling.
I have found myself in a position, up until recently where I have not had much social contact for the last couple of years. This has been due to pain and mobility issues which have made it hard for me at times to get out of the house. Just getting in a car has been painful and a major issue for me. So, for me for a long time now, my husband has been my main source of social interaction. I have come to rely on him in so many ways, and he has had to do a lot for me while I have recovered from two operations.
One of the things that we agreed on very early in our relationship that we both needed to have space to do our own thing, whatever that might be. Having had a very controlling second husband, I needed to know that I didn’t have to account for my every move or get permission to do things on my own. My husband, not having lived with anyone before or been married definitely needed to know that he could continue to have his own space. So, those understandings are well established from the earliest beginnings of our relationship.
Skip forward over 20 years of being together – most of which we both worked – and I am in a different place than my husband. He still works and I do not. I have experienced much more social isolation than I have ever been accustomed to and that has been a major challenge for me. Because I have been unable to get out much, my husband has been my everything. He has done so much at home when I could not. He has taken me out for coffees when I couldn’t do much more than that. We have just started trying to get me out and about and walking further and for longer than previously.
The thing for me currently in retirement is being mindful of my husband’s needs. One of those needs is if the sun is shining – and sometimes even if it is not – he is itching to go for a long walk. When I say a ‘long walk’ this can be 2-4 hours of walking. Prior to my most recent mobility issues, I would have joined him. It is a challenge for me to see him leave and do the thing that we always did together. He assures me that I will do it again. I support him to have these walks.
I know that it is very important for my husband’s sense of well-being to be able to go on his long walks. It is how he recharges his batteries, gets away from it all and relaxes. I have always known that this has been important to him and that he needs to be free to do this no matter what stage I am at. In fact, as things progress with this condition naturally demands on his time will increase as I need more support. However, this is when I need to explore what that might look like for us as a couple and for our individual needs. It would not work for us if he was expected to be my everything. I need to have alternative ways of getting social interaction rather than putting a heavy load and expectation on my husband. Taking away his ability to have his long walks, would be something that I know he would not cope with.
In the circumstances that we find ourselves in, where we are both mid-sixties, I would have previously anticipated that we would both still be working and that in our days off we would be doing these walks together, at least some of the time. But, Parkies came knocking on my door and other health issues so the version of me in particular at this age and stage is vastly different from what I expected.
Much as we love each other, I know that it is important for us to be together and enjoy each other’s company, but just as important – maybe even more so – is to have time apart to do our own thing. For me to make sure I have social connections that do not revolve around each other and that we can happily pursue the options available to us.
For this reason, I know that I would be open to having some supports come into the home when the time comes that I need assistance. The last thing I want is for my husband to have any expectation placed upon him that he is the one providing everything that I need. I often said to people in my role as a Social Worker, that when it comes to the time that your partner – or anyone in need that you support – needs practical assistance with showering and dressing that I would recommend getting in a professional to do this. That way, if I need assistance with showering etc, it will not be all on my husband. As I would say to my clients, ‘have someone else do the showering and dressing and you retain the role of husband/wife/partner etc. In that way, you maintain your relationship and hopefully don’t tip into the role of ‘carer or caregiver’. I for one, want my husband to retain the role of husband and entrust my care to others. Ultimately, that may mean a change to residential care for me and I hope that we will be strong enough and sensible enough to take that step when it is needed.
Above all else, I feel that honesty is something that is essential between us. That he will tell me how he is feeling and what support he needs. When he needs his own time to recharge and how he wishes to do this. I know too, that I need to establish social opportunities for myself now, so that I can have a social network that does not have to have my husband at the centre.
Much as we love each other, a certain amount of time with other people and on our own is what I know we need to be a happy and fulfilled couple and as individuals.
Communication and honesty is the key.
My journey with Parkinsons 