Be careful what you ask for…

One thing that I know, is it can be when someone is asked a question about their driving – ‘I’m a good driver’ – or how much they drink ‘just a glass of wine each night’ – or ‘I don’t need to write things down, I’ll remember’ their truth may not be ‘the truth’ as others see it.

We all like to think we’re a good driver, especially if we have been driving for many years. We may never have had an accident, but there’s always the first time! There are many drivers who, because of age, accident or illness may not be able to gauge whether they are still a good driver. In fact, often the question will not be asked if others don’t have any concerns. Many a person has been told to stop driving, but protest that they are a good driver. Often it is the ones who profess loudly their ability to drive is in tact, that are in fact no longer safe to do so.

As a rule of thumb, when the question is asked ‘how much wine would you drink per night?’ take whatever number they give you and at least double or triple it. Friends may offer to take you home as you weave your way towards your car, keys in hand. You may loudly proclaim your innocence of being in any way impaired by alcohol as ‘I only had a couple of drinks’. As someone once said, ‘I think thou dost protest too much!’ Or put it another way, the louder the protest the guiltier they are shown to be.

Now, we come to the final statement. ‘I don’t need to write things down, I’ll remember’. This can be the hardest one of all. If we profess loudly to have a good memory still, we should probably take a good look at ourselves, as it may no longer be the case. Our perception of our capabilities may be slightly skewed or woefully wrong.

The final statement is the one that hits home for me.

I have had a rough week already and it’s only Tuesday. I have had three people I trust – that I asked to tell me if they noticed any progression – that are good, kind people tell me that I am not doing as well as I thought. They have noted that I can forget things much more easily and at times ask the same question several times. I have presented as muddled at times and I might forget to write things down. Over the past 9 months or so, there have been changes in my presentation, that I was not aware of.

I thought I was doing so well!

Apparently not!

So, I have had some very teary times this week, as the reality of Parkinson’s hit home like a sledgehammer. Battered and bruised I have sat and cried in my husband’s arms on more than one night. When people start noticing these things about me, my Parkinson’s is obviously progressing to the point where it is noticeable to others. There is no hiding from that reality.

I am perhaps not completely surprised, but maybe had a different concept of how my memory was for instance. I know I have got a bit mixed up with appointments and got the wrong day sometimes recently. Even when I write them down, it’s not a foolproof system. I can get the day and date fixed in my head, to the point that I don’t even look at my calendar, I am that convinced I know what day the appointment is due!

I find myself starting to say something to someone and the second half of the sentence is gone. I can’t always find it, as the thought hides itself in the crevices of my brain, never to return to me and never to be heard.

I have been so focussed on being ‘a slow burner’ as the Parkinson’s Nurse described me, that I thought I had many years ahead of me before I had any noticeable symptoms. It appears I may be mistaken.

Reality Sucks!!