Looking for silver linings

I was visited today by a friend of mine, whom I have known for several years. We started talking about some of our previous relationships and how some of the negative aspects of those relationships still impact us today.

Both of us have previously been in an abusive relationship and been on government assistance to help us raise our children. We talked about some of the things that happened in those previous relationships and how they affected us, both long and short term.

I have shared on this Blog previously that I have been married three times. My colleagues at work give me a hard time whenever I start to speak about my husband and they ask ‘which one?’ 

My first husband is the Father of my three children. We always struggled for money and it was sometimes hard to scrape up the funds to feed our family. We were very young when we met and I had my first child at 20 years of age, having married at 18. The children’s Father was not a bad man, but not the most responsible parent and a lot of the responsibility of raising the children was left to me. For many years we had a strained relationship for a number of reasons. It took our eldest son Adam passing away suddenly for us to put aside those past feelings and pull together for the sake of our other son and daughter. We now have a much easier relationship and get on well, which is much better for our children and grandchildren.

My second husband started out well, but over the years increased his drug taking and alcohol consumption and became very unpredictable and often verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I was isolated from my family supports as I lived in the North Island and all my family were in the South Island of New Zealand. When I left that relationship, I moved to Christchurch to be closer to family and extended family and to do my Social Work degree.

My third husband – current and my soulmate – I met online and we have had over 20 years together with many adventures. We have welcomed grandchildren into our lives and supported each other through many challenges. Our marriage and our relationship are the things that ground me and support me and I couldn’t imagine doing this life without him.

Now for the silver linings

• If I hadn’t met my first husband, I would not have the beautiful children and grandchildren that I have been blessed with.
• If I hadn’t then gone on to meet my second husband, I would not have made the huge decision to move to Christchurch. If I hadn’t moved to Christchurch I would not have met my soulmate and be blessed to spend the rest of my life with him.
• If I hadn’t left my second husband and moved to Christchurch, I wouldn’t have become a Social Worker, doing a valuable job and supporting people in need.
• The experiences I have had with my marriages has helped me in my career and other relationships. I am a better person and Social Worker because of the less than positive experiences in the past with those first two relationships.
• My relationship with my husband is a better one from learning how not to be in a relationship from previous ones. I am more tolerant than I used to be, but also not afraid to ask for what I need when I need it.

Silver Linings with Parkinson’s:

• My diagnosis has made me appreciate what I have rather than bemoaning what I don’t.
• My diagnosis has made me focus on the here and now rather than looking forward and not fully investing in life in the present.
• Parkinson’s has made me more focussed on being with family and making memories with them.
• Since having Parkinson’s it has made me more focussed and driven and I am in the process of getting together three books for publication. They are books for children whose parent has had a stroke and they are a passion project for me. I am in the process of trying to get funding. I also want to publish a book based on this blog, for the people who do not access the internet, but might benefit from reading the content.
• Having a degenerative condition focusses me and as much as possible, I now try not to waste any time and share my life with the people I love.

When I was talking to my friend, a lot of the discussion was about negative aspects of a relationship she had been in many years ago. The trauma of that experience has never really left her. During our conversation, I spoke about those negative events and reframed them for her. I pointed out to her, that while those experiences were hard and left a lifelong scar for her, if they did not happen, then she would not have the marriage she has now or the life they share. Though the experiences were difficult ultimately they lead her to find a much happier life.

For myself, I choose to focus as much as I can on the positive aspects of my life and not dwell on those previous negative experiences. Life is too short and too precious to let those experiences weigh us down and rob us of acknowledging and experiencing the lives we have now.

So, for me I will try to push away the dark and gloomy and focus on the silver linings gifted to me by this condition.

I hope you can too!