Sometimes for no apparent reason I cry. I put a brave face on most of the time and can almost ignore the fact that I have Parkinson’s. I go about my daily business, doing my job, living my life and feeling pretty normal.
Then out of the blue, it’s like something snaps me back to the reality of having this condition. Of worrying about the future. Of wondering how much of a future I have. How much quality time I will have with my husband. How this Parkies thing will take things away from my life, my relationships, my future.
Tonight has been one of those nights. A night when I can’t help crying over the enormity of this thing that inhabits my body. When I wish it wasn’t so. The future does scare me sometimes and I feel the immediacy of needing to do so many things now, that might be difficult in the future.
I try to be positive and for the most part I am. However, I am also a realist and know that in the future there will be many challenges. I am frustrated that I have had my knee injury, which makes me feel dubious about doing any exercise. I worry that not exercising will make this thing progress quicker if I don’t get back into something soon. Then I worry that if I get back into exercise, I will injure myself again. Worry, upon worry, upon worry…
Tonight is a blue night. A sad night. A tough night. It is hard to say precisely why, but it just is. I think that sometimes perhaps our psyche needs to allow us to feel this way. To cry things out, to acknowledge the enormity of a life lived with such a huge condition.
Tomorrow, hopefully will be a better day. For tonight, I shall soothe myself with soft music, red wine and a soak in my new spa pool looking at the stars. Tomorrow, I hope to awake renewed and determined to have a happier day. With a positive outlook and a renewal of my energies and determination.
Sometimes though, I just have to accept it is a night for tears…