Over the past few months, I have been spending quite a lot of time with a new friend I have met through playing bowls. We both enjoy each other’s company both at bowls and outside of bowls. She has got me hooked on a game called ‘Rummikub’ and we enjoy playing it together. Unfortunately, for me – not for her obviously – she is presently on holiday in Vietnam and by the looks of the posts on Facebook having a wonderful time. I am looking forward to catching up on her news when she returns, although she is a regular poster of videos and photos of her adventures.
My friend is about 10 years older than me and that makes some difference in a way that I had not thought of previously. She will often come round for a coffee and/or to play a game of Rummikub or just to chat. If she knows that my husband is home, she will usually express concern that he might be wanting to spend time with me and that she is taking up my time and how he might feel about that. I have on several occasions assured her that us spending time together as friends does not have to be dependant on my husband being at work or not. I suppose for those who are accustomed to more traditional marriages, the fact that we spend quite a bit of time not being together may seem unusual.
When I was younger and with my children’s father, his sister and her husband used to sometimes go to parties or events separately. I suppose this could be because they had young children and one of them would stay home with them so the other could go out. They probably took turns with this, but I can’t say for sure. At the time I thought it was rather strange having been brought up in a very traditional family.
After my first marriage ended, I started a relationship with a man who would become my second husband. Although the relationship started out well, over time it became marred by power and control issues. From clothing choices – if he wore blue jeans, I was to wear blue jeans. If I came out in black jeans, he would go and change. We had some matching t-shirts as well, so very ‘matchy matchy’. I didn’t mind at first, but it was just the beginning. At first I was thinking it was nice to spend all our time together when we weren’t working. However, again over time it became more and more suffocating. I would need to ask permission to do anything on my own. I was phoned several times during any solo outing or with my children asking when I was going to come home. He calculated how much time it should take for any outing and get angry if I stayed out beyond what he thought was necessary. I became more and more a prisoner within the rigid walls of that relationship. Ultimately, the marriage became more and more abusive and controlling. I could write a book about it, but you get the general flavour of it. Power and Control. Those two words pretty much sum it up.
Fast forward to my third husband. When we met, he had been a confirmed bachelor for most of his 40 odd years. He had lived alone, with no woman sharing his home and no children. He was accustomed to doing his own thing. When we first got together he told me that he wanted to spend time with me, but that it was important that he also had his space. This was like music to my ears! I assure him that giving him his space was absolutely not a problem for me. In fact, I told him, after my second very controlling marriage, I too did not want to be in a relationship where I did not have the ability to do things on my own. So, this is how we continue to live our lives.
For some more traditional couples, it may seem strange, but my husband and I can spend hours in the same house together and hardly see each other. He has his guitars and his interests and I have my blog, my podcasts and my various activities. He is a bit of a hermit – he would love to live in a cave by himself sometimes – and I need people and I like to talk. If I did not have the outlets I have where I can chat and socialise, I think I would drive him batty! Not to mention I would struggle with the lack of social interactions. But, just because we both need our individual space and interests, it does not mean that we don’t like spending time together. We check in with each other throughout the week and work around his work schedule. We will ensure that we spend time together and we plan this around what we want to do as individuals. He needs at least 2-3 long walks if the weather permits. They can be 3-4 hours sometimes and I am not up to that at the moment. So, he will work out what days he wants to do things, I work out my activities and we make sure that we set aside special time as a couple to go out for a meal, or a walk or some activity together. This works really well for us because of our histories and natural inclinations.
Because we know each other so well, I am confident that as things change over the years for either of us with our health, that we will be able to find a balance in our lives. I support his needing his long walks and he supports my need for friends and activities with others. When I am no longer able to go out as easily as I can at the moment, I am sure we will find a way for me to have social opportunities, even if people come to me. I will make sure that he gets his long walks, perhaps someone to come sit with me and play endless games of Rummikub?
I think that our different lifestyle equips us well for the future. The fact that we already do things as individuals without the other I think works in our favour. Rather than feeling abandoned or sad or frustrated that my husband wants to do things I can’t do, it will just be an extension of how we live now. I may need someone with me so that I can support his need to have individual needs, but that is not something I can see as a problem. I’m really not sure how anyone who has a more traditional approach to marriage might fare if they are accustomed to doing everything together. The inability to continue to do so must be hard for some, if that is how they lived in their marriage. Perhaps if the couple are accustomed to always being together, it might be an idea to introduce some separate hobbies or social opportunities while things are going OK? To gently start going to a coffee morning, or join a club where they can play housie (lotto) or a craft group or something to ease into some time apart from each other. Attending some group might spark some friendships where maybe the friends might be able to come to the home. This could be useful if the husband wants a few hours to himself and knowing that his wife or it could be the wife that needs the space and the husband might need someone to come in.
As the saying goes, ‘Different strokes for different folks’ and we all need to do what works for us. It can take some time to make changes and make connections outside of the home, especially if there was little or no connections in place. However, from my perspective having someone I know and enjoy spending time with to be with me would be something I would enjoy. For most of us, there will come a time when for safety we will need someone present with us most of the time. Whether this is from funded providers who provide someone paid to be with us, some form of physical support will no doubt be needed. I hope that those that I have developed friendships with can be the ones who can – at least in part – be the people that are there for me when I need someone’s company when my husband is not around.
These thoughts have developed over the past few years leading up to my retirement. I deliberately planned a busy retirement. Swimming three mornings a week, gives me exercise and social connections. Bowls has given me social connections and exercise and lots of fun. Playing Rummikub and cards every Monday gives me social connections. I did none of this when I was working and made a conscious decision to start doing things that would build a social network for me. Because of my husband and I having a close relationship, I have never really felt I needed anyone else for company, but as I look to the future – I am a planner – I put these plans in place so that I have a strong social network.
Just some thoughts for the future.
What might you do if you need to give your partner a break?
Who might be able to spend time with you if you are not able to get out any more?
What social connections do you have?
My journey with Parkinsons 