Love me for what I am….

So today the subject of this podcast is Love Me for What I Am or Love Me for Who I Am. This is based on a song by the Carpenters, which is of course called Love Me for What I Am. So. Today I’ve had a quite a busy old day and one of the things that I’ve been doing has been that I’ve been making some chicken soup in the kitchen, which I enjoy doing with accompanying music.

I had Sir Tom Jones for a while there and then I switched to the carpenters and as I was listening to the Carpenters, a song came up, which surprise, surprise is Love me for what I Am. And the words really spoke to me and. In the song Karen Carpenter says the following, you’ve got to love me.

Love me for what I am, for simply being me. Don’t love me for what you intend or hope that I will be. And the reason that spoke volumes to me is it is a song that strikes a chord because in my previous relationship, he was always trying to change and control me, tell me what to do, what friends I could have, and how I should dress, how I should act, what I should do, when I should do it, and when I left that relationship.

I was somewhat jaded and we all enter into these relationships, the marriages, partnerships with high hopes. And I was talking to my daughter the other day actually, and I said, even when you leave a marriage that’s gone badly wrong, as my second one did for maybe just a couple of days, I remember being really sad and I wasn’t sad because I had left.

The, situation that became my marriage, I was sad because of the hopes and the dreams that we all have when we enter into a partnership, when we enter into a marriage. And, those hopes and dreams were dashed along the way and unraveled and, you know, to finally have to leave to be safe. . It is a hard thing.

It is a sad thing that, something has failed, that things have gone badly wrong and you think of who you were when you first met that person. And it is sad, like I said, even if it turns into something unhealthy as it did, there’s a sadness over what should have been. But there has been a wonderful thing come out of that terrible situation of that marriage.

If I hadn’t had that situation, if I hadn’t come to Christchurch to do a social work course, which again, I wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t had that negative experience, if I hadn’t had all those things happen, I wouldn’t have come to Christchurch. I wouldn’t have been a social worker. I wouldn’t have done, hopefully, a small amount of good in the world.

And most of all, I wouldn’t have met my husband. That I have now, and this one, trust me, is a keeper. And just as those words really spoke to me about how the second one treated me, he never loved me for what I was. He always trying to change me. My husband now does exactly that, even with my Parkinson’s, even with my.

Health challenges and personal challenges and family challenges and everything that life has thrown our way. He has never faulted. He has never stopped loving me. He has never stopped supporting me. And we are a strong unit. We have had bereavements, we have had job issues.

We have had health issues. Well, mostly me. But , I’ve said to him from time to time, if you could see into the future when you met me, you would’ve run a mile. And he said, no, I wouldn’t. No I wouldn’t. And he’s says that , that I still make him happy, and I hope that’s true. It’s certainly taken a lot of heartache and a lot of time before I found him.

I think 23 years ago, 23 years we’ve been together and they say the sort of way you tell a good marriage is how people react in a crisis or in times of stress. And in crisis, if you have a marriage that isn’t strong, you will. Struggle to weather that crisis together and you’re probably not even doing it together.

You’re probably doing it separately each with your own feelings and thoughts, but not sharing and not supporting each other. I have had many losses and I’ve had many health issues and through it all, my husband has been consistently by my side. I remember when I had a car accident. Or quite some time ago now, I can’t remember how long ago, and I was in a, , neck brace just in case that I had done something to my spine and I was lying on my back with his neck brace.

All I could do was look at the ceiling. And by the way, my husband is English, so he has a distinctive voice. And I was lying there and I heard this voice

and I knew it was him. And he was the first person that I wanted to see, and he was there by my side. He looked absolutely stricken, but he kept himself together and he was there for me in that time of need,

and that car accident changed our lives from that point, my, the fitness that I used to have has diminished gradually over time. But we have still had some really good times together. But yeah, that car accident was a big turning point in our lives, but something that we couldn’t change. And so we have just every step along the way, we have had to learn to live with who the new sewers and I seem to have changed so much.

I’ve put on weight. I’m less active, I’ve got more things that hurt. , maybe I’m not as attractive as I was, but who is, , when they’re 64 and being unable to exercise, et cetera. But in my husband’s eyes, he says that I’m still beautiful and that’s all that matters. He loves me for what I am, for simply being me.

And that’s , the best thing that anybody, the best gift that anybody could give to you, to love you for who you are, not for some ideal that they have,

that , he asked very little of me, I have to say. And it’s nice. That sometimes we treat each other, we get each other nice things, and when I say nice things, I might buy my husband some cashew nuts, which he loves from the supermarket. Not a huge investment, not a huge thing, but it just. I would’ve seen them in the supermarket and thought he loves his cashews.

I’ll buy ’em some cashews. And he does the same thing for me if he’s out and about, if he’s at the supermarket. He quite often comes home with little treats for me, and that’s really appreciated. So today, as I said, I’m making some chicken soup and when I’m making things like chicken soup or when I’m baking, I’ve often, when I’ve had the grandchildren here, I said to them.

What makes Nanas baking or Nanas cooking special? What’s the secret ingredient? And they all respond. Love. Love is the secret ingredient that makes everything feel better, taste better. It just makes the world go round. And you can tell when food is made with love. very early on in our relationship. , I tend to use quite a few implements and containers and things.

When I make something, I do make a little bit of a mess, but, um, when I first got together with my husband and I was doing some cooking, he was sort of hanging around and looking like he wanted to help with something and I said to him, are you okay? And he said, I’m just wondering if there’s anything that I can do to help.

And I said to him, actually. If you don’t mind, I will just do this on my own. I said I like to turn the radio on. You might have to put up with my singing. , and I’ll sing along to some songs that I like and I’ll bake and I get lost in my own world and it’s therapeutic to me. And so I don’t need anything from you apart from the space to enjoy the process of cooking the meal and then sharing it with you later.

So it’s those little things that we learn about each other. He was trying to be helpful, and I’m pleased that I was honest with him and said, no. What I need is space. What I need is time to, to spend just enjoying the moment when I’m cooking, and then enjoying eating it with you later. And that’s one of the things that we’ve always had in our relationship, and that’s honesty.

We are both now able to do our own things more independently now that I’m starting to recover more and more every day from my back surgery. And, , there are days when I’m doing things and I’ll say to my husband, do you want to come and. Do something with me and he will say, what are you doing?

And if it’s anything to do with shopping, he’ll probably say, um, would you mind if I don’t come? And actually, I think sometimes I would prefer being on my own if I’m going op shopping or something like that. ’cause he does not cope well with getting in and outta shops and in and outta the car. But he’s honest and he’ll say, if that’s what you’re gonna do, I’d rather stay home.

I have things of my own that I like to do and that’s why we work. We work because we are honest. We work because we accept each other and love each other for who we are. So this has been Sue for PKIs and Me, my journey with Parkinson’s Kia Kaha. Be brave, be strong. Be you.

Here’s my podcast on the subject