Life, love and loss…

Today’s post is not a happy post, it is a somber post about “Life, Love and Loss”. Today is the day we think about my oldest son Adam, who left us suddenly, but hopefully peacefully on 04/10/2020. He passed away in his sleep from an undiagnosed heart condition. At least we think it was undiagnosed. He was not one to share any health concerns with me, I think he felt I had enough going on. I remember one occasion when he casually mentioned to me that he had collapsed in agony in a local mall recently and had to be rushed to hospital. I was blown away and said to him, “why didn’t you tell me?” to which he replied “you couldn’t have done anything!” My response? “I could have been there with you!” He was definitely not one to make a fuss. So perhaps he might have seen a doctor, but nothing seems to be recorded, but you never know!

Adam was always very protective of me and of his sister too. He would have done anything for me in a heartbeat. When I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s a few short months later on 15/12/2020, one of my first thoughts was that he at least would be spared seeing his Mum deteriorate like his Nanna did. He used to visit her regularly and help her with her computer and would do little odd jobs for her. I remember Mum telling me that my brother Phil had visited one day and I expressed surprise he hadn’t told me. Speaking to my son later that day, he said, “Mum it was me that visited, she thought I was your brother.” I could see the hurt in his eyes, when he had always been there for her. When my diagnosis happened, I thought that at least he would not have to have the same experience with me. He at least was to be spared that.

There are things I am grateful for, for my son. It may sound strange to be grateful in relation to losing a son, but there are things I am very grateful for.

• That he went peacefully in his sleep and hopefully not in pain.
• That he does not have to go on another Parkinson’s journey with someone he loves.
• That he was not hurt by anyone and passed quietly in his own home with his cat Gidget probably purring in his ear.
• That in life he was always surrounded by the love of all of his family.
• That when he passed we were able to gather as a family and celebrate his life together, when so many under COVID never got the chance to farewell the loss of someone special to them.

Today has been a sad, sad day. It always will be. I am grateful that despite my fumbling efforts as a 20 year old Mum, that he turned out to be a lovely young man. A young man who loved his family and would do anything for them. An Uncle who adored his nieces and they him. An Uncle that never got the chance to really know his nephews, but loved them all the same and they him.

I am grateful that I got to have my beautiful son in my life.

I am grateful for my other son and my daughter and my daughter-in-law and my grandchildren and acknowledge that they too feel a huge loss on his passing and always will.

There will always be an Adam sized hole in my heart that will never completely heal, but my life was enriched the day I became his Mum.

I hope one day we get to be together again and that those that passed before him welcomed him with love and open arms.

RIP my love, my son Adam.