Rehab realities…

As said in my last post, today was to be the first day that I have been on a green and bowling for at least a year. There were some surprises in store for me, that I wouldn’t necessarily expected – they were surprises after all – and I learned a few things about myself.

I was quite nervous about what the day ahead of me would bring this morning. I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to manage with my back still not being completely healed. That maybe I couldn’t bowl a decent bowl anymore. That maybe I wouldn’t be able to return to bowls if things didn’t work out today.

After some introductions, we were assigned to a coach and off we all went to hit the green. As the day progressed I not only learned some new ways of looking at the game and how it is played, but I learned some strengths that I maybe didn’t fully appreciate that I had.

It didn’t come as a surprise to me, that I had some challenges with stiffness with a combination of my Parkinson’s and the stage I am at with my recovery from my operation. I found myself hesitant and a bit scared of my body, not knowing how it would react to my attempting to get back into the game. Remember – if you have been following me – that I had a significant back operation just six months ago and am still trying to get literally back on my feet again.

So, we each had a turn at bowling while the coach stood and evaluated us and gave us some suggestions and ‘requirements’ that were non-negotiable. That was interesting in itself. The first requirement was to hold the bowl in a certain way with the thumb on the dimples on the bowl. This she said, ‘was non-negotiable’. However, when I tried it I couldn’t for the life of me bowl properly with the change from my norm to this required placement. After a couple of dodgy deliveries, she said to me “Are you struggling with that placement”. I was quite proud of my response. I said, “Look, I am returning to playing bowls after an absence of some 12 months. I have had a major back surgery which I am still recovering from. I am having to learn what my body can do safely and that is a bit stressful. With so much that I have no choice but to change because of my current vulnerabilities, I need to hold on to something familiar. That ‘something familiar” is how I hold the bowl” To give her credit, she acknowledged this and let me continue to do what I was comfortable with.

A few minutes after that, the coach noted that I was having some challenges in being able to get down to release the bowl. She then suggested that I use a bowling arm. This is an aid for those who cannot bend down in any way because of things like back issues. It means they don’t have to bend and they use a mechanical aid that enables them to release the bowl from standing. After about the second time of “recommending” that I get an arm, I turned to her and said, “Look, I want to move forward with confidence that I can get back to playing bowls, to learn what my body can and can’t do at this point in time. I feel it is far too soon, given that I haven’t bowled for a year and also the recovery from surgery which I have already mentioned. I said that it was too soon, to look at getting an aid and that I wanted to be positive and try to get back to better bowling form. First day back it would have felt less than positive (actually quite negative) after one morning’s practice to leap forward to needing an aid. I said that it may be necessary in the future if my Parkinson’s causes me issues with stiffness, but I am not willing to leap ahead to using aids when I feel I can find a way to bowl without any aids.

Another thing about bowls is there is quite a lot of “etiquette” involved. Things that are not necessarily rules as such, more like socially acceptable behaviours when on the green. How we behave ourselves and how we interact with others and the expectations of the bowling fraternity of how we might do that. I asked the question of “what is the etiquette for sitting on the benches around the rink?” She said if we were playing, that it was not the done thing to sit on the benches. I thought to myself, “well that’s a bit of a bugger with a sore back” I said something to her along those lines, and she reiterated that it really wasn’t the done thing. After a few ends I told her that my back was getting sore and that my comfort would need to take precedence over etiquette. In other words, if my back indicated that I needed to sit, then I would have to do so. She somewhat reluctantly agreed and so I advised I would need to sit and would do so every time we were at the clubhouse end and stand on the rink on the other end.

I finished the day feeling quite proud of myself for the following reasons:

• All day today, while I was there to learn, I respectfully advised what I needed to do for me to feel safe and if I had to modify what she required of me, I politely but firmly advised her that was what I was going to do.
• It is hard for me to cope with not being as good at something as I was previously. However, I could almost hear my husband pointing out to me how far I had come after three years of pain and restricted movement. I kept reminding myself of this and did not allow myself to catastrophize and head in the direction of self-doubt that I would get back to at least something near my previous form.
• Despite the coach saying 2-3 times that I ‘should’ (my most unfavourite word) consider using a bowling arm, I stood firm and reiterated that I was unwilling to consider this and that at day 1 of returning to the green, it was too soon to even consider using any type of aid. I deserve and need the chance to give it my best shot before going down that road. At some point I may need an aid, but I do not feel ready to accept that I need to do that at this early stage.
• When it came to holding the bowl, I stood firm in the way I needed to hold the bowl as the only constant from my previous bowling experience.
• I am respectful of etiquette and usually will respectfully follow whatever is expected in most circumstances. However, when it comes to my comfort, I advised that if I needed to sit down, I would need to sit down, etiquette or not.

So, all in all a positive experience today. I returned home reasonably happy with the way the day had gone. Of course, me being me I would have liked to have got onto the green and just been amazing automatically! But the reality is that was never going to be the case. I had some challenges and some issues with my bowling, but I didn’t let that turn into a negativity spiral. I kept positive and kept trying.

Today I dipped my toe in the waters of returning to playing bowls. The next session is in two weeks’ time and I am looking forward to it.

I will do my utmost to learn and be positive and to continue to have realistic expectations.

Today was good, but shattering and I am proud of myself that I did as well as I did considering how much I struggle with not being able to do things at the level I would have liked to. I am a harsh critic of my abilities and today I felt I was kind to myself and kept to realistic expectations and did not allow any negativity to take hold of me.

This is just the beginning.

I am back on the road to a return to bowls.

And that feels pretty damn good!