For those of you who are new to my blog, I am a 64 year old woman and am married to my third husband. My first marriage gave me three beautiful children and ultimately six beautiful grandchildren. My second – though it started off well – descended into a relationship of abuse and control. A relationship where I had no free will and was constantly on edge awaiting the next time his anger got out of control. Much of the abuse was verbal and psychological, but that in some ways is worse than physical abuse. Bruises heal quite quickly, but I think the bruising to the soul and mind of an abuse victim never quite fully heal.
My second relationship started off well and slowly and subtlety it became more and more abusive. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind there will always be an alert, a sensitivity to any possible abuse. It is not something that is necessarily logical, but it is borne of fear deep rooted in my psyche that I fear will never fully go away.
An example of the psychological abuse was when I would need to talk to him about something and try to talk through any issues that I felt needed addressing. I tried every way I could think of to be able to discuss relationship issues with him, but things always turned out badly. I remember saying to him that I needed to talk to him for five minutes to clear up a misunderstanding. He would then position himself looking at the clock on the wall and saying ‘Right, you have five minutes starting now!’ This of course was upsetting and I would beg him to listen so we could sort things out, his response was ‘Now you have three minutes’ and I would beg him to listen and he would continue to do the countdown. It meant that I always feared saying anything to him where we might get into a similar situation.
My third husband is my soulmate, and I know logically will never hurt me in any way, either physiologically or physically. However, he is in the unfortunate position that any actions he might take that remind me of the things that my second husband did can potentially bring about a fearful response from me. I know in my logical self that he would never hurt me psychologically like my second husband, but the experiences I had – even though I think they are buried deep inside me – can surface at the strangest times.
It is important to note that my husband reads all my blog posts and if he were at all like my second husband, I would not dare to talk about anything that he might see as putting him in a less than positive light. I would have been fearful and wouldn’t have raised this topic in such a forum if I were still married to him.
So, tonight I had a small matter that I wanted to talk about to my husband. He said something like ‘I consider myself told off’ and just that statement brought up the fear response in me. Now, I know my husband from spending over 20 years with him and he is the gentlest, kindest soul I have ever met. He is my best support and would never abuse me like my second husband. However, his negative response to my wanting to talk about something with him, brought forth feelings and thoughts I didn’t think they would. I became tearful and tried to explain to him what I had experienced, but I know for anyone who has not experienced these things, I must have sounded illogical. As I explained to him, the logical part of me knows he would never hurt me or harm me in any way. My damaged brain, now prone to being anxious, woke up the memory in a quite unexpected way. We talked things through and we are good, but it made me sad to have intimated in any way that I felt any concern that he might act like my second husband. He has been my rock through all our lives together and has supported me through some huge life events and I simply could not imagine life without him.
The title of this post is about vulnerability. Not just about my vulnerability as a person with Parkinson’s, but also my husband’s vulnerability when he may become my carer. If my damaged brain attributes actions of my husband that would have been part of my second marriage, then I trust that no-one would believe that he would hurt me. He will need support and understanding and I hope that he finds a way to have that. I hope that nothing of the sort ever occurs and that no-one thinks anything bad of him. He is my life.
Those of us who have Parkinson’s will come to rely heavily on our spouses if we have them. It will be a big ask for them to care for someone who deteriorates physically and mentally. It is important that both of us have the love and support of someone they trust and someone they can talk to.
When I doubt myself, my husband has always been there to encourage me.
However, if there are things we need to talk about, I hope that we both feel comfortable to raise any matters that are needing to be addressed.
I know that I don’t need to live in fear and will never have cause to fear my husband.
My journey with Parkinsons 