A bit of a strange title today I guess.
But, let me explain.
For the past nearly three years now, I have not really been the me I want to be. Not the me that usually enjoys life and has a good sense of humour and hopefully is good to be around. The reason why? Because for the past three years, I have had excruciating pain in various areas of my body, on an almost constant basis. Firstly, there was my right knee which started as a meniscus tear, gradually worsening till I could hardly walk and then necessitating an operation to give me a full knee replacement. Then, it seemed like I had only just started to get over my knee and get walking again with much less pain, when seemingly out of the blue, I started to get pain in my legs. Not just a little bit of pain, but pain so excruciating at one stage that I screamed in agony just getting in and out of bed. After trying various things and seeing a specialist, the only thing for my leg pain, was to have surgery on my back from where the pain came from, referred from my back.
So, yes, for the past three years, my life has been one that has been defined by pain. My almost every waking thought for a while has been about pain, taking something for pain and working through pain. It was painful to sit, to stand, to walk to lie down, to turn over in bed. In fact, pretty much every movement was painful. This of course does nothing to encourage humour and enjoyment of life, so it has been a struggle. Not just a struggle for me, but also for my husband.
I had my surgery on my back in February nearly four months ago and I have been slowly progressing with the distance I can walk increasing and the amount of pain or discomfort I feel decreasing. I have been doing aqua jogging at our local pool as recommended by the surgeon and it definitely seems to have helped.
Yesterday, as I was going out by myself, I went to say goodbye to my husband. Then just as I was about to leave the room he said, “You know I think you are getting back to the old you, before everything happened”. It was probably the best thing I could have heard, especially coming from him.
Yes, I am starting to feel like the ‘old me’
I am starting to feel less fragile. I have felt fragile and basically scared of my body for too long now.
I feel much more robust and confident. My confidence in myself and my body has really just started to grow in the last couple of days.
I can think of other things other than my pain and I am starting to feel like I can start to enjoy life again.
I am on a roll with my cooking. I have made some really nice meals lately and this has been something I have been missing. I love to cook nice meals for us and especially for my husband.
I feel – for want of a better word – “Normal” I just have this feeling of being able to do things again that I have struggled with so much over the last 2-3 years. Getting in and out of bed has been a challenge. Turning over in bed has been a challenge. Walking has been a challenge. But now, it seems almost overnight – but likely to be longer – I feel like I can function ‘normally’ and feel I can start to trust my body again.
I have felt that the issues with my back/legs have unfairly given me mobility problems. Unfairly, because this will come in time as my Parkinson’s develops, but right now I should not have any mobility issues and I don’t, at least not in relation to my Parkinson’s. So, I feel that I have been a bit ‘ripped off’ by my body not allowing me to mobilise without aids. I am not ready for that to be something I am dealing with yet. In time Parkies will do that to me, but not right now!
So, now I feel that I can look forward to our trip to Rarotonga this weekend and have the confidence to know that I can swim and walk on the beaches without any problem. I can get out and enjoy being on holiday without having to take a walking stick or a frame. This is our time to enjoy being together on a beautiful tropical island, to unwind and destress and celebrate the fact that I am well on the way to being mended and able to do more.
I feel in such a great space right now. Long may it continue.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/6Ga8mIPncioCKQvZcbHK0Z?si=7YfbfpbESrOhWUvEeyy1FA
My journey with Parkinsons 