Grief and Loss

I was just reading a quote about trauma that also fits with grief. It spoke about how you never really get over it but build your life around it.

This is so  true. Grief never goes away. I know I carry mine deep in my heart and soul. On the surface of it I am doing ok. But every now and then the sorrow seeps out.

This is especially true of the loss of my oldest son Adam. It will be four years in October when he went to bed to sleep and never woke up. A loss so sudden and unexpected it took days for me to process it and react. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t feel. I went on auto pilot to do what must be done and the feelings in my heart were held at bay. Seeing my other children and grandchildren chipped away at the numbness as we all struggled to understand, accept and cope with the enormity and finality of his death.

Similarly, is my personal grief of my diagnosis two months later. One of my first thoughts was for Adam. He was always very protective of me. A strange thing perhaps to say but I almost felt gratitude for the fact that he was spared seeing my deterioration. The diagnosis was only two months on from his death.

Then there is the grief of thinking this Parkinson’s may rob me of the future I want to have. It’s not too often that I think that way these days, but most certainly when I was first diagnosed this was some of what I felt.

I forgot to say, there is also a thing called ‘disenfranchised grief’ where others don’t recognise or realise that a person is grieving and therefore the person grieving often has little support if any. This is because many only think of grief as relating only to someone dying. But there is real grief in a diagnosis, loss of a relationship and many other scenarios.

For the most part I am reasonably positive about life and the diagnosis has taught me things. It has taught me to grab life and love with both hands. To do things I want to do today and not wait till some tomorrow that may never come.

As I head into retirement I strive to do so in a positive way. To see it not as an ending but as a beginning. To claim my future life on my terms and to be and do what is right for me.

One thing I do not want to have to grieve for is not taking opportunities that I could have. I aim to be active and engaged in my retirement both for myself and for those I love.

Grief is a part of life and some you can’t avoid but finding a way to live through it and live with it is the key.