What makes a family?

At the moment we are staying in Wellington with my son, daughter-in-law and their three beautiful boys. We have been staying for a couple of days and it has been lovely catching up with them all. This morning, we went to an indoor play place – I don’t know quite what to call it – where there were all manner of slides, things to bounce on and bounce off and generally have lots of bouncy crazy stuff. The occasion was to celebrate our grandson’s birthday with friends and family.

As I looked around today at everyone that came to help celebrate, I thought about how we all came to be family. For some, like me I am their Nanna and their Dad’s Mum. My children’s father and I split up over 30 years ago and it’s taken a lot of time for us to get to the point where we have a good relationship. Not just myself and my ex, but also with each other’s partner.

I found myself talking to my ex-husband’s partner, who has been given the title “Hanny” by the children. It stands for “Honorary Nanny”. She has been in my grandchildren’s lives for approximately 8-9 years. With living in Christchurch and not readily available to my Wellington family, my son and his wife and children I appreciate that she is part of the support network for them. I am not sure I have ever taken the time before today to tell her how much I appreciate her and her role in their lives. I told her that I am really happy to have her as part of our family and told her that – like my husband – I consider that she is one of my grandchildren’s grandparents. Like my husband, although he is not a blood relation of my children and grandchildren, I consider that both of them are grandparents to our grandies.

Ours is not a unique situation, with many different forms of relationships within a family in the world today. Blended families are not unusual at all and some work well and some not so well. For me, I feel the family is in good shape at the moment, that when needed family members young and not so young always know there will be someone there to support them.

At one point, I had a discussion with my son and daughter-in-law about the future. The main concern I have is for my husband should I be the first to go. He had gone to bed before us and I took the moment to talk to them. It is important to me that the connection with the family is not severed when I am no longer around. That he loses the family he has been part of if/when he loses me would be so upsetting. My son and daughter-in-law assured me that he would continue to be part of the family and that I need not have any concerns. He will continue to be a much-loved family member even when/if I am no longer here.

So for me, family is all about love and connection and commitment. Things my husband has always shown to me and those that I love.

In line with my philosophy of “living in the moment but planning for the future” I need to know that the man who has loved and supported me through thick and thin, in sickness and in health and through many tough times continues to have the support of his family. His family, not by virtue of birth, but by virtue of time, love and commitment.

Birth families may ‘on paper’ mean that they are family by rights and by birth, but some truly do not merit the honor of being considered family. Lack of commitment to the family when needed and taking for granted that they have the right to be part of that family means for me, I would question whether they deserve to be considered family.

So “What makes a family?”

For me sharing blood links does not necessarily give automatic rights to be considered family.

Commitment, love and showing up when needed are what makes family.