I was talking to a friend recently about their relationship, which as it turns out, is not what we might have thought it was. She has been living with a very controlling spouse and she has done her best to keep this under wraps, so that most who know her would not have guessed. I had my suspicions for my friend only because I had lived in an abusive relationship myself with my second husband.
It brought to mind something I always did in my Social Work practice. A lesson learned very early on in my career. I was working in a job where we supported people with early stages and onwards of a diagnosis of dementia. We held various groups and also went out into the community as needed. So, one day I was doing some community visits and went to visit someone whose husband had recently gone into care. This was just to check in with how she was doing following his admission. I sat down and had my best sympathetic look and tone of voice as I leaned in and said, ‘How are you doing since ‘x’ went into care?’. She looked at me and said, ‘bloody Marvelous, he was a bastard! I burst out laughing and said, ‘well, at least you’re honest!’ and we had a bit of a laugh. Then she said, ‘I only stayed with him because he was diagnosed with Alzheimers just when I was going to leave him and my kids would not have thought well of me if I had left him then, I am so relieved I no longer need to pretend.’ It was a lesson, that we can make assumptions that people are in a loving relationship. For that reason, I have always hated the term ‘loved one’ which is often used. How do we know that the person we are talking about is indeed loved, or loving towards the person we are talking to? The answer is that we don’t.
Another example is a woman who lived with her husband with Alzheimers and he had become aggressive and demanding as his dementia increased. They had had a good marriage, but as his dementia increased he became suspicious and did not like anyone coming to the house, so they had become very isolated. Even the grandchildren could not come for a visit. Then he progressed with his dementia and finally had to go into permanent residential care. A friend came to visit after he went into care and said, ‘you must be so relieved that you can have friends and your grandchildren to visit, now that you don’t have ‘y’ here anymore’. As she was telling me, she became tearful and said, ‘he was my husband for ‘x’ number of years and we had many happy memories and I loved him. Why would I now be happy that he had to leave me?’
Nobody knows what happens in the four walls of our houses. Nobody knows what our relationships are really like. If there is domestic violence, controlling behaviours and other concerning behaviours in a relationship.
Even when things seem obviously difficult, we only have our own perspective to judge by. We each of us – I think – have a public persona and a private persona. I know I show my husband my true self and I am different with him than I would be at work. With him I can be silly and we have our funny little sayings and ways of being with each other. At work, I may have been silly but not anything like we are at home. We only see that which a person chooses to show us, the way that they want us to see them. Their private and true self may be markedly different.
Nobody knows the truly authentic us completely.
We give what we want to give for people to know us at work, at social gatherings.
We choose how much we let people know.
We may be a completely different person at home than we are in public.
We may be at risk, but not ready to share.
The important thing is not to assume we know a person and what their private like is like. They choose what they share and to whom.
Never assume anyone is a ‘loved one’ it may not be the case.
My journey with Parkinsons 