I frequently read other blogger’s posts and it is interesting to see different perspectives and to consider how they gel with my own. I read with interest a post that talked about ‘Caregivers and Loved Ones’ as it spoke about changing roles.
This interested me for a couple of reasons. One is the use of the term ‘Loved Ones’. This is a term I have always avoided using in my working life, as it makes an assumption that the person being cared for is beloved by the person doing the caring. I am sure there are many who find themselves in a caring role who – if they have had a difficult relationship with the cared for person – may not have had a loving relationship at all. Instead they may find themselves in the role of carer by default because there is no-one else to do so. I therefore don’t ever make the assumption that those in the role of ‘carer’ look upon the person they are supporting as a ‘loved one’. The other side of the coin is that the person may not wish to be labelled a ‘carer’ but that is something that could perhaps change over time as they become less of a partner/family member and more in that caring role.
The second thing she spoke about was the various roles people inhabit, mostly focussing on those who are partnered/married. With any relationship, especially when we have been together for a significant period of time, we often adopt roles and it becomes accepted who does what within the partnership. I know for me, baking and cooking are basically my realm. My husband has not done either. He mows the lawns and I don’t touch the thing! I cook he does the dishes!
Having been off for nearly three months now recovering from my knee surgery, there have been some reallocation of roles and some changes in the way we do things. My poor husband has had to do the lion’s share of everything around the home. He has also had to do the grocery shopping, cooking, gardening, driving and other miscellaneous tasks, where I have just been a passenger.
What I have very much enjoyed is getting my husband in the kitchen. I have operated in a supervisory capacity guiding him as he cooked meals. It is a lovely opportunity to be together and chat away from the television. He is especially good at making pizzas, so I think maybe that might be his signature dish! I have been the Sous Chef or Sue Chef as it were, helping with meal prep, cutting up onions and other things for whatever dish is needed. It was a good training ground for him to know that he is capable in the kitchen and reassuring for me that I may not have to live on canned soup or baked beans in the future after all!
Other things that may need to be thought about is who pays the bills in the household. Do you have separate accounts or joint accounts? What does each person contribute to joint bills? Where are insurance documents kept in case they are needed? Are Wills up to date and what Solicitor holds these documents? Are there any payments that each pays out of their own funds for hire purchase, car loans or personal loans perhaps? It is important to share this information with each other in case either one cannot provide the information at some time.
To assist with financial matters and also health related issues, I have spoken before about Enduring Power of Attorney. I won’t go into all the ins and outs of this, but look through my posts and you will find one with more information. Suffice it to say that having an Enduring Power of Attorney for both Welfare and Property is very much recommended for all of us. For those with a degenerative condition this is very important.
So, even though we may be in the early stages of this condition and may have several years of high functioning ahead of us, it is important to plan ahead. To have the discussions about each other’s roles and how each might share with the other how to cook perhaps, or pay the bills, or mow the lawns or what power company you are with. Perhaps start learning about your partner’s tasks that you have not previously needed to know about and know that if the time comes when the PWD needs to relinquish some of their roles, there is more comfort in knowing you can take these things on.
I am a definite fan of ‘living in the moment’ but also with a plan for the future for the practical ‘nuts and bolts’ of managing life!
My journey with Parkinsons 