Not feeling particularly good right now

There are two dates in my life that I very much struggle with these days. One is 4/10 – the date on which my eldest son Adam passed away in 2020. The other is 3/11 – the date of his birthday. He would have been 42 years of age this Friday. I am finding it tougher this year than before, possibly because I am emotionally fragile already due to the pain issues I have at the moment.

It really does not get any easier and my son is on my mind every day, as he will always be, and a piece of my heart will also be forever missing. He was funny, strange, frustrating and at times infuriating – things he would probably say about his Mum too! But, for all that he was the most warm-hearted and kind person with a deep love for his family. He hated a fuss being made – especially by me, but boy, could he fuss over me if he thought I was sad or in pain. We were so different and we grew up together and learned about life together. Just as I taught him growing up, he also taught me and was the first born that taught me how to be – and not to be – a Mum.

The passing of time does not make things any easier and I will miss him always. I know that his brother and sister and his Dad and other wider family members will always miss him too.

So, last night I cried for my son and for myself. For my son because I miss him and for me because I found myself thinking far too far into the future and the likely challenges ahead. With arthritis starting to run rampant in my body and with Parkinson’s as the cherry on top of it all, I said to my husband last night, ‘Sometimes it’s not easy being me!’

For the most part this Blog tends toward the positives in my life and what I am able to do. However, this is a difficult time of year for me. Add to that – although I am happy to have my knee fixed soon – my impending knee replacement surgery and I am starting to feel the stress building within me.

My fragile state makes me needy, needier than I would usually be, and I am probably quite difficult to live with right now. In fact, I’m pretty much certain that I am. Try as I might this week, I am struggling to fight off a fit of the blues. Hopefully, on Friday – my son’s birthday – being with his sister and her family will help cheer me up again.

At least my ‘up’ days usually outnumber my ‘down’ days and hopefully with the help of my family I will come out the other side and regain my equilibrium.

I give myself permission, however, to feel sad because that is the only way I can be as I face my son’s loss again on the day of his birth.