I have started to watch a presentation today about Parkinson’s and emotions in the early years. I found that I could easily identify with the three people with the diagnosis who were on the panel.
They talked about feelings of disbelief, denial and devastation. I know that I was expecting the diagnosis in many ways, but my brain didn’t want to fully absorb it at the time. I remember asking “is there any doubt?” to which the Neurologist replied “None whatsoever”. One of the panelists talked about accepting the diagnosis logically, but not emotionally and hoping it was a mistake and that it would go away. Again, familiar emotions.
I have had a number of challenges in life – at 62 years of age who hasn’t – and because of those personal challenges I have been depressed in the past. One of the things I know from personal experience and also as a health professional is that those of us that have had or have depression can make the mistake of thinking they no longer have depression and go off medications. However, it is precisely because they are on medications that the symptoms are not noticeable to the point where they feel ‘cured’.
The same goes for Parkinson’s medications. One of the primary things that my medications have done for me is that I very rarely have any tremors these days. I frequently find myself thinking – or wishing – that I am not a person with PD after all. However, in my logical brain, I know that if I were to stop my medication for Parkinson’s that I would return to being symptomatic.
The silliest things can set my emotions running. The other day I was in my car, listening to the radio and ‘The Pina colada’ song came on the radio. As I listened to it, I found myself getting a bit teary! I mean! It’s certainly not the saddest song I have ever heard, but for some reason it pushed some buttons for me. I had another song affect me in a similar way a few weeks ago, but it surprised me with the Pina Colada song!
I think perhaps for me I need to do what I used to do when I went through a period of bad depression several years ago. I used to wake up sometimes and immediately on waking I would feel very low in mood. I would find myself trying to analyze why I was feeling down and even internally berating myself because I almost felt like I had no right to those feelings. At the time, I had a lovely husband, a good job, my health – which while not perfect, was OK – a nice home and loving family. As I had my internal discussion with myself, I struggled to reason out why I was feeling the feelings of depression.
What I found helped me to cope with these feelings on waking was this. I would wake up and feel down. I would then say to myself, ‘you don’t need to know why you are feeling down. Just accept that today you are feeling blue and just get on with it.’ I found that by acknowledging my feelings but letting go of the process of trying to work out why, I managed to get myself out of the low mood much faster and part way through the day, I realised I was actually feeling better.
The same too probably goes with being more emotional these days. It may be that I can’t put my finger on why a song, or a conversation, or a situation at work makes me emotional. Perhaps I don’t need to analyse the why, but rather accept that it is and perhaps that will help me to cope better.
I am constantly learning with this condition and it can be challenging at times. I always want to do my best in everything I endeavour to do. I spoke to my husband this morning and he talked about me reducing stress in my life. That’s pretty hard to do when you do the sort of work that I do. However, it probably is something that I need to look at, but at this point I’m not sure what can be done.
Although not really a religious person, I try to keep this in mind when faced with some of the challenges in life:
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.
If we can’t change the unchangeable, all we can do is change the way we manage.
My journey with Parkinsons 