Grief never goes, it ebbs and flows

Grief is something that is ever present when you have lost someone close to you. In 2020 on 4th of October, my oldest son died in his sleep from an undiagnosed heart condition. This was a traumatic event for all the family and we will always grieve his loss. Two months later on 15th of December I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Put that together with COVID and lockdowns and 2020 was without a doubt the worst year of my life.

Adam was my ‘practice baby’ he always said. I was 20 when I had him and he was right, I really didn’t know what I was doing. We had our ups and downs through the years and didn’t always understand each other, but loved each other dearly. He was always very protective of me and all his family. Adam was also close to his grandparents on both sides, but particularly spent a lot of time with my Mum who also had Parkinson’s. So did my Dad. But, it was my Mum with whom he was particularly close. Unfortunately, as her condition progressed Mum frequently mistook my son for my brother Phillip. That was hard on him and I could see how hurt he was each time it happened.

When I was diagnosed in December of the year we lost him, one of my first thoughts was ‘At least Adam will be spared seeing his Mum deteriorate’. I know it would have been incredibly hard for him if I too forgot who he was, or mistook him for someone else. I am glad for his sake that he’s not going to be around if that happens sometime in the future.

Tonight, I was driving home and there was a song on the radio about a son who had an answerphone message from his mother, telling him to come home because his Dad had passed away. It brought to me the memory of telling my other son on the phone that his brother had died. At the funeral too, I will never forget my son saying, ‘my heart is breaking’ or the strength of my daughter speaking about my son and how special he was to her and her family, but most especially to her daughters who simply knew him as ‘Uncle’. Those were moments when my heart ached for all my children.

I couldn’t listen to the song and reached over and turned off the radio. I was close to tears as the memories of that time came rushing back to me.

Grief never ends. It ebbs and it flows. A song, a moment, a taste, a photograph can bring back bittersweet memories of those we love. Yet, I wouldn’t want it to completely go away, because it reminds me of how much I loved my son and how special he was.