Grief and Loss…

I was looking at the Facebook Page I follow the ‘Aust and NZ Parkinson’s Support Group and Chat’ and sadly there was a post from a husband whose wife with Parkinson’s (WWP) has just passed away. I offered my condolences and expressed the hope that the happy memories they shared over their lives would be a comfort.

It reminded me of the different ways people react to the loss of a loved one, especially if they have had a long and degenerative condition. Also, not only loss associated with death but loss of hopes and dreams and plans that may never be within reach. It can be difficult for people to realise that there are losses along the way with any long-term condition.

The thing that surprised me when I was working with people with dementia, was the example of one of my clients whose husband had dementia and who had been unpredictable in his moods. She talked to me about how her children and grandchildren could not visit anymore because she wasn’t sure how he would react and she was concerned not only for visitors’ safety but how he would be viewed. This is not the thing that surprised me. The thing is, it got to the point where he was no longer safe at home and ultimately had to go into residential care. She told me that friends and family who had some insight into how difficult things had become had visited her and asked her if she was relieved she now had the house to herself and people could visit once again.

As she told me this story, she became emotional and said to me that what people didn’t realise was that – no matter how difficult things became – he was and always would be someone she loved. Someone she shared precious memories with and with whom she had built a family together. Those were the memories and the thoughts that she had of many years together. However, those on the fringes of her life only saw the difficulty of caring for someone with dementia.

So, as I read the post about the loss of a beloved wife, I expressed a hope that the precious memories over the years were a comfort to them. I know that people looking on may think that perhaps the husband was relieved of a burden. However, having been together many years this does not honour the beauty of a long-term relationship and the strong bonds we create over time. The period of deterioration is a small part of those lives together.

Love and loss and grief go together.

It is important though, not just to focus on the losses, but the gifts we give each other in sharing our lives with those we love.