Not so Perkie…

I follow a Blog called ‘The Perkie Parkie’ who is usually a regular writer of her Blog. However, the Blog I read today talked about how she had taken some time off writing it as she was going through some tough stuff at the moment and she couldn’t face writing the Blog for a while. She talked about the Blog and Parkinson’s taking over her life.

I can absolutely identify with what she is saying. It is difficult to always remain positive. In fact, I would say that it is nigh on impossible to do so. While I often refer to Parkies as a gift, there is lots of not so good stuff associated with it too. Most of the time I can resist focussing on the negative stuff, like negative self talk, thinking too much about the future in a negative way and looking further ahead than is good for me. Sometimes it is best for our mental health to give ourselves permission to park our Blogs and go into our cocoon and forget all about this diagnosis we have.

I try to write as regularly as I can and it is mostly positive in its content. But sometimes, some not so positive sneaks through. That is being honest. Being true to yourself. Dropping any pretense and saying that things suck a bit at the moment.

I had a meeting with my specialist today and I will admit that I didn’t come out of that meeting very perky either. Basically to cut a long story short, he said that the pain that I am feeling now is from my arthritis. That the reason my knee is so sore is nothing to do with my meniscus – apart from saying that my arthritis probably worsened to the point that it caused my meniscus tear. He stated that he could not write a report that the meniscus was the cause of my pain. He also stated that I can continue to contest ACC’s decision but that I would definitely fail to overturn their decision. As you can imagine I walked out of that office pretty dejected. He has sent me for X-rays to see how bad things are and I had that done today. It looks like I might be needing an operation. If ACC won’t accept the claim, I will have to go on the public waiting list, which my friend did and had to wait five years. I certainly can’t do that! The alternative is to pay for the operation to be done privately. This could cost approximately $30,000 and we certainly don’t have that sort of money hanging around!

So today, like Perkie Parkie I have lost my perkiness, my spark, my oomph! I feel a bit defeated and uncertain about my future. My husband said to try not to focus on it too much, but I told him I feel I am allowed one day to feel miserable. I will try harder to be positive tomorrow.

I am seeing my specialist again next week to see what might happen next. I don’t hold out much hope though.

I hope the next Blog is a little more positive. A lot depends on this knee issue. However, my husband said something very true which I am going to try to do. He said, ‘You don’t let Parkinson’s consume your life. By the same token, don’t let your bad knee be all your life is about either!’

Wise man that husband of mine!