Youth vs Age and wisdom?

I was fortunate to have my three grand daughters to stay the night this weekend. Two of them are teenagers and still finding their identities and yet – it seems – feel ready to make decisions about their future lives. One of them reminds me so much of her Mum at the same age and also I can see myself and my teenage years in her. We started having a conversation about school and she spoke about wanting to leave school as soon as she is able and go out to work.

I remember this conversation with her mother and the challenges for a parent in trying to support their child and the difficulty we parents face when trying to figure out how to support them, but also to give them counsel and talk to them about decisions now that will affect her future. Such a familiar situation for parents everywhere I’m sure. I think the hardest thing is to start to let them have more freedom and to make choices – and not all of them will be good ones – but we unfortunately need to adjust to the fact that for some things they need to start making their own decisions whether they are wise or not.

I remember way back when I was 15 or 16 and the clashes I had with my parents. I think many of us are in a hurry to grow up at that stage and make our own decisions. I know I made plenty of mistakes and hopefully learned from them not to make the same mistakes again.

Even at 63, I have to make decisions about my life that may be difficult but necessary. The decision to retire from work was the biggest I have had to make in a long time. It took a lot of thought and discussion with my husband, but I’m sure I made the right one when I chose to retire.

The difference between my decision-making process and my granddaughter’s is that I welcome talking things through when I need to make a decision. As a typical teenager, she talked about how ‘everyone’ was trying to make her stay at school when she did not want to. I am sure her parents will do their best with both their teenagers and the youngest when she reaches the teenage arena.

I know I look back on my own teenage years and I am surprised my parents – especially my Mum – held on to even a shred of their sanity having to deal with me.

All this makes me think about how – as we age – and our children do too, there can be something of a role reversal. Just like teenagers we elders want to have our independence and to be supported to do so. Perhaps we might do things from time to time that may cause our adult children to have concerns, such as climbing on step stools! But, having fought hard to have independence it is not something we will want to give up readily. Sure, climbing on a stepstool may not be absolutely the ideal thing, but if we take care when we do so and don’t climb a six foot ladder to clear the guttering, or similar, maybe we need to take a chance. To feel like a fully-fledged adult who can independently make decisions for a while yet!

As I think about the teenagers in my life, we are almost walking parallel paths. Both have the need to figure out how to do life and both feel challenged and perhaps somewhat offended by someone telling us what to do. Parents talk to their teens about safety and making wise decisions and our adult children often do the same to us. Elders may fiercely hang on to their driver’s licences and the freedom that brings and be loath to give it up. Teenagers are busting to get one and will often feel they are ready to drive, though parents may not be ready to give them that level of independence.

It seems like the clock is going full-circle and we end up dependent towards the end of our lives, just like we were as infants. The difference is that we are fully grown adults, who deserve support and respect and should not be infantilized. I have spoken to people who have elderly parents and cringe when they talk about them and say it is like looking after a baby. The difference is that this person who is becoming more dependent is an adult with a long life behind them and the learning and wisdom which should be respected. They should never be treated as if they were a child.

The key things to remember when dealing with us feisty oldies or the frustrating teens, is that we need to communicate with each other and show respect for each other. Parents, Grandparents and Grandchildren need to be prepared to have many conversations about choices that need to be made. This can be challenging, but – as I said to my grandies – they must remember that every bit of advice that is given is because we love them dearly and want to keep them safe. There comes a time though when they fly the nest and we can’t protect them anymore.

So, whether a teenager or an elder sometimes we need to be given space to try and perhaps to fail.

Sometimes in doing so we can come to accept that the voices of our family are right and changes need to be made.

I have often said, ‘If you learn from your mistakes, I should be a genius by now!’

Not quite!