Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Or, are men just weird creatures?

Tonight, my husband and I did a really good representation of the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” way of looking at a task. My logic when asking for his help turned out to be way different to what he thought was asked of him.

The scenario is this. I was just about to go and have a shower before I made my dinner, which was to be a toasted sandwich. We were having a ‘help yourself’ dinner which we often do when my husband is working at night. Just before I left the kitchen, I said to him, “Could you get the sandwich maker out of the cupboard and plug it in for me?” He duly went and got the sandwich maker out and did just that, he plugged it in. I then asked, “Did you turn it on?” to which he replied that he had not, as I did not ask him to. My logic, “Of course I wanted you to turn it on. What was the point otherwise?” His logic was that he did what was asked of him and I had not asked him to turn it on. I took it as read – as most Venusians would – that he would turn it on.

It’s not the first time that we have looked at this kind of scenario and had quite differing opinions. So, just for interests sake, I searched online with the question of what I asked and to see what AI might come back with. It actually made quite a bit of sense.

See below:

That classic “Mars and Venus” scenario perfectly highlights a common breakdown in communication styles: literal execution versus implied intent. Here is why this happens and how both sides see it:

The “Martian” (Literal) Perspective

• Focus: Task completion.
• Logic: The request was specifically to “plug it in.”
• Action: He followed the exact instruction provided.
• Mindset: Doing exactly what was asked is being helpful.

The “Venusian” (Contextual) Perspective

• Focus: The ultimate goal.
• Logic: The sandwich maker is plugged in to be used.
• Action: Expected the machine to be ready to cook.
• Mindset: The implied goal (“heat it up”) should be obvious.

This is so on the money of what I expected. The Venusian perspective, obviously. I think we do – (read ‘I do’ )- sometimes expect that others – (read ‘the husband’) think and respond the way that I expect them to. Forgetting of course, that we all can process information and intent quite differently. The Venusian perspective summed up how I felt almost exactly how I would have put it. My expectations were miles away from what my husband thought I had asked him to do. I expected that I had asked for the toasted sandwich maker be plugged in and ready to cook by the time I returned from my shower. Just plugging it in, did not much of anything, apart from saving me from bending down, picking it up and putting it on the bench.

Two scenarios to try next time, if it happens again.

• Wife asks husband to get the sandwich maker out, put it on the bench, plug it in AND TURN IT ON! The final part that was – in the husband’s eyes – a missing part of the instructions.
• Wife asks husband to get the sandwich maker out, put it on the bench and plug it in. Husband asks “DO YOU WANT IT TURNED ON AS WELL?” The part of the original instructions that was inferred in her mind, but not clear in his. Wife, could then respond if she wishes it turned on or not!

I sometimes forget that he does not always think like me. He is a man after all and I am a woman and apart from being from different genders, we are from different countries and have grown up with different experiences. The way we do some things in New Zealand are bound to be different from the way they might be done in England. The language we speak, which on the surface of it is the same English language can have quite different intent depending on our cultural perspectives.

Some common words and phrases can have quite different meanings. Here is a good example:

I was talking to my husband about my sister-in-law in Australia. He had not met her as yet, as this was soon after we got together. I said, “You will like ***** she’s a hard case!” To which he replied, “I thought you said you liked her, that’s not a very nice thing to say about her!” My turn to be perplexed. “What does a hard case mean in your country?” He responded, “Someone rough around the edges, dodgy, not to be trusted!” No wonder he was surprised when I called her a hard case! I laughed and said, “In New Zealand a person who is a hard case, is someone who makes you laugh, whose company you enjoy and you like to have around!”

Two people talking the same language, but with totally different interpretations of what the other person was saying.

So, a few misunderstandings are bound to happen, I suppose.

After all, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus!”

And as the granddaughters and I say, “He can’t help it! He’s English!”