I have never really felt that I fully conformed to the image of me that others had. As the youngest child in the family and the only girl with three big brothers, I started out as the odd one out I suppose. I remember being a teenager and my Mum saying to me one day “I only had one daughter and I would like to see you looking like a girl, instead of wearing jeans all the time.” But, of course my three brothers didn’t have that sort of commentary on their appearance. My thoughts at the time were that jeans and shorts were much more practical to play in than girly dresses and I suppose I could have been described as a bit of a tomboy.
Then as I got older, I started wearing skirts and dresses and makeup and jewellery. The skirts – of course – tending to be rather on the short side! Cue Mum’s commentary on this stage of my life, “I wish you wouldn’t wear so much makeup and your skirts are too short!” So, I went from disapproval of my tomboy stage to disapproval of my girly teenage stage. There was no winning. But, I wore what felt right for me and Mum would just have to put up with it! Nothing unusual there for a teenager!
I went to a Catholic all girl school and there were many strict rules and regulations. Rules on the length of your skirt, rules on makeup (none permitted) and earrings, only basic studs or sleepers. I liked my uniform in some ways, but not the rules about everything else you could think of. I also had one particular teacher who took a dislike to me and decided she would try to exert her power over me. We didn’t have cleaners and had a roster for sweeping the classroom and emptying the rubbish. One particular day she tried to order me to stay and clean up when it wasn’t my turn. She was quite insistent. But, I was more insistent that it wasn’t my turn and that I had hockey practice. I stood up to her and didn’t comply with her demand. We were to lock horns on more than one occasion.
I have always been challenged by people that try to control my life and how I live it, having had an abusive second marriage that has become even more important to me. I am open to learning new ways of doing things, but ultimately will usually take what I need from any course or reading that I have done and modify to suit me as an individual.
Most recently, I have started back playing bowls after an absence of probably a year because of a back injury and prior to that a knee operation. I took the opportunity to attend some coaching sessions with the thought that I might get some hints on how to manage my bowls with my body being a bit stiffer now. The coach was not one which I jelled with, but I tried to take on some recommendations. Since then I have had quite a number of people all giving me advice on how to play. Up to the Saturday just gone, I have tried to incorporate what all these knowledgeable people have tried to teach me. The result? The worst bowls ever last week and a very unhappy me.
I had my first singles competition game and my game went to pieces. After assessing what went so horribly wrong, I have come to the conclusion that I have been listening to too many voices in my head. The voices have been shouting instructions in my head, and my own voice has been drowned out. I made a decision part way through Saturday afternoon that I would from that moment on ignore those voices and get back to me. To get back to how I played previously, which was before my operations and to rely on my own instincts and trust myself once again. Almost as soon as I made that decision, my game improved.
So, just as with anything else, I will ‘do Parkinson’s’ how it works for me as a person, not with anyone else’s expectations. In ensuring that I continue to move to the beat of my own drum and not taking other people’s expectations to heart, I am sure I will continue to do well.
I am the expert on me.
I will continue to do what works for me
Here’s a podcast on the topic, with a few extra bits…
My journey with Parkinsons 