There are many facets to this thing called Parkinson’s – or Parkies – some of which we may be aware, some of which we may not immediately recognise as being a part of the condition.
Some of the classics that people usually recognise are tremors – or shakes – freezing when trying to walk, lack of a sense of smell and many more. Each of us is an individual and our special brand of Parkies may differ greatly from others that we meet. Sometimes, there may be something happening that affects us and it is not until we sit back and analyse what exactly is happening and how long it has been happening that we might figure it out.
Most recently, I think the main thing I have noticed is that I get quite anxious at times. Often though, I cannot really fully see the reason for it. I have just started back playing bowls following a gap of about a year following an injury and then an operation on my back in February this year and subsequent recovery. All the way along in my journey with my back, I have never wavered from the one goal I was aiming for and that was to get back to playing bowls. I can’t explain fully how important it has been for me to get back to it. I know though that it gives me, exercise, time in the fresh air and friendships as well as fun.
That’s three F’s:
- Friendship
- Fresh air
- Fun
However, every time I have encountered something new when it comes to bowls, I find I get quite nervous and anxious.
The things making me anxious have been:
- My first coaching session – Afraid I may not be able to bowl well enough.
- My first tournament – Anxious about letting others down if I wasn’t up to the standard I wanted to be.
- First roll-up of the season. Anxious that I wouldn’t be able to bowl well enough.
- New Coach as the other coach didn’t work out – anxious because I was to be doing one to one coaching. Previously I had been in a group of six. The concentrated attention fully on me did make me a bit anxious. I did find I settled down once I realised that he was really trying to find a style that worked for me.
- My first competition. Anxious that I would not remember or be able to apply the techniques that my new coach taught me.
All these things that I have been experiencing are pretty new to me. I would always have been nervous given these scenarios, but actually being anxious is not something I can ever recall happening for me.
So, I tried to reason through why I was getting anxious, in the hope that I could find a way to be less anxious. Now as I sit here thinking about it, I am reminded of another thing that I have experienced in the past. That is the experience of having depression. I have had a couple of experiences of being depressed and needing medication to help me, but have not had any depression so far with my Parkies.
In thinking about my depression, there was one thing that really helped me through. It may sound strange, but if I woke up in the morning and felt depressed, first of all I would try to analyse why – in that particular moment – I was feeling that way. The more I tried to work out why I was feeling so down at that moment, the worse it got. So, I developed a different way of dealing with it. If I woke up feeling down and depressed, rather than trying to over analyse it, I would acknowledge to myself that I felt down, made a conscious effort not to analyse, but to accept it. I might say to myself something like ‘I feel down today, I don’t know why, I just do!” In doing that, I would be more inclined and equipped to face my day. In acknowledging how I felt, but not over-analyzing it, I would often come right and part way through the morning I would find I was feeling better.
So, perhaps the answer to anxiety is not to let it cripple me into not doing things that might provoke anxiety. Maybe just accept it and say to myself “I feel anxious about this, I don’t know why, I just do!” Perhaps in doing so, I will not waste time trying to figure out why I am anxious and as a result it is likely to lessen. If I proceed with whatever it is that I am anxious about, the anxiety might just melt away.
I think that – just like my episodes of depression – in naming it without over-examination I may reduce it’s power over me.
Here’s hoping!
My journey with Parkinsons 