Loss and laughter

Yesterday being 4/10 was the anniversary of my eldest son’s passing just before his 39th birthday. I have my youngest grand-daughter staying with me at the moment, so her Mum came to spend the morning with us. Adam was very close to his sister and her three daughters and because they all lived in Christchurch he saw more of them than the three grandsons in Wellington.

We decided that we did not want to focus on that one terrible day that took him from us, but rather on the many days that we had him with us. We shared stories and laughed together. My grand-daughter always cracks me up and we seem to have the same sense of humour. Have you ever laughed so much that your ribs hurt and you start having a noiseless laugh, with shoulders moving and crying from laughing. That’s what we enjoyed together yesterday.

That day will always be one that is very sad and there is no way to completely get away from that. However, if I can have the company of those I love who also loved him then that is what I know he would have wanted. He would not want us being sad all day and was one who always loved a laugh and loved his family.

The three of us played petanque. It was a bit of a challenge as the grand-daughter has her arm in a cast and I can’t stand up due to my current issues with my legs and back. My daughter was the only one who wasn’t ‘gammy’. There was lots of laughter and I was particularly rubbish, but it was good to do something fun together. We ate too many cakes and too many savouries and that is what he would do too.

I recalled that Adam always liked his food and many a Christmas he would stay with us and his eyes would light up as I found containers to put Christmas ham in and all the other goodies from our traditional over catering. Another memory I have is – as usual – I picked Adam up on Christmas Eve. I was glazing the Christmas ham while Adam and my husband sat around the breakfast bar drinking. I was also drinking while doing various things to be ready for Christmas day. As I was multi tasking, I wasn’t fully focused on how much I was drinking, which was the fatal flaw in my plan. We said our good nights and we headed for bed. Somehow the room started spinning and I rid my body of the alcohol and food many times that night.

In the morning, I had to get up early to cook the turkey. Bending down to the oven wasn’t helpful and I felt very ill. Now, my mother was coming for dinner and didn’t exactly approve of alcohol. So, I carried on steeling myself for her arrival, hoping I could pull off Christmas dinner without her noticing I was severely hung over! When time came to dish up, it was a case of food would either kill or cure me and I sat down to dinner with some trepidation. I am happy to report that I made it through and Mum didn’t seem to notice my lack of chat and careful picking at my meal. I recall Adam sitting across from me, smiling a knowing smile and all the while there was I wondering if he would out me to my Mum!

I vowed from then on to be more mindful when drinking with my son on a Christmas Eve and I am happy to report no more hangovers for me!!

Adam was one of a kind, quirky and marched to his own drum and had his own way of looking at the world. He did things unashamedly his own way and never changed to suit anyone else. He was fiercely protective of me and I never doubted his love. He was always someone you could rely on.

So yesterday, we remembered him with laughter and the many happy times we were lucky to have with him.

That’s the way he would have wanted us to remember him.

RIP my beautiful ‘practice baby’ you turned out to be a wonderful person.

Mum

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