Feeling… Fragile, Frustrated and Fearful!

With each day that passes a little bit more of my usual resilient self seems to be steadily chipped away. Being in constant pain, just makes me more emotional in so many ways. Now, after working out that I can’t in all likelihood get an operation to replace my painful knee, we are facing having to borrow money to pay for it privately. I hate that I am impacting on us financially and it makes me feel awful. We should be reducing costs, not increasing them!

I was talking to my lovely husband – who is always so supportive – and all the fear and fragility just came spilling out of me and I started to cry. I am so afraid of losing my independence, maybe not being able to work, not having my own money, being totally dependent at some point. All of this is most likely far in the future stuff, but probably because I am feeling so fragile all my future fears just reared up within me and spilled out through my tears.

I hate thinking of one day going down to one car, being on a pension, having to check in with someone before I spend. Most of these fears – I know logically – come from my experience of living with an abusive and controlling second husband. He controlled everything about our lives, even questioning if I so much as bought a coffee or a sandwich. He would look at our bank statements and question every item that was spent by me. I felt totally and utterly under his control and influence. Because of that fact, I know it has made my having my own money and being able to do what I want with it – of course after I pay my share of what needs paying – so very important.

I need to add that my husband is the most generous and kind person I could possibly wish for. Nevertheless, the mere thought of losing any kind of autonomy whether it be financial or other freedom – fills me with fear.

Like the opening title of this entry, I am feeling fragile, frustrated and fearful. It is only a blip – at least I hope so – but I need to acknowledge these feelings in order to get past them.

I will push through these feelings, I know. I am to see someone next week to talk about the effect life is having on my mental health right now.

It doesn’t seem a moment too soon!