Last night I cried… after writing my last post

I wrote in my last post about how sometimes I try to wish away this thing I call ‘Parkies’. Wishing it weren’t my reality.

My husband read my post and reassured me that I am doing well and that he sees me coping with the diagnosis and mostly just getting on with life.

However, buried deep within me I know that the fear of the future remains with me. Much as I try to ignore it, to savour the moment and live in the now, it lies there surfacing sometimes when I least expect it.

I am grateful for my life, my family, my husband and my work but sometimes a feeling almost of anger, of the unfairness of it all bubbles up and engulfs me. I know this sounds negative and hardly inspiring, but if this Blog of mine is to be anything, it is to be honest or it is not worth either the effort of my writing it, or for anyone who might read it.

So, yes, last night I cried. I was full of self-pity and ‘why me?’ and maybe from time to time that’s OK. For, if I – and others with this condition – don’t acknowledge that this is hard and unfair and scary, then ignoring it will surely create a tension that won’t be healthy.

I know depression is a part of this journey for many. I have gone down that road before and am not in a hurry to go there again. What I felt last night to me is a healthy thing. An acknowledgement that life has dealt me a few crap cards in my hand. But also, I want to acknowledge that I have been dealt some ‘Aces’ as well…

So, I cried. I will do it again. But, I will come out the other side feeling better for facing things rather than hiding from them. In the words of my favourite Helen Reddy song :

‘I am Woman’

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back and pretend
‘Cause I’ve heard it all before
And I’ve been down there on the floor
No one’s ever going to keep me down again

Whoa, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained

If I have to I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
‘Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I’ll come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
‘Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul

Whoa, yes, I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained

If I have to I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

So, I am fearful, but I have faced adversity before and come through. This is another life challenge that I have to face head on. I will have these moments of fragility, but then come out the other side strengthened by my resolve to be the best me I can be. The best wife, friend, cousin, sister, nanna and that’s all I can do. Despite this intruder in my life, I won’t let it steal away the good in it.


Published by kiwipommysue

I work in health and have been with the same supportive team for over 7 years. They are all aware of my diagnosis and this helps tremendously especially while I get used to the idea of my diagnosis. My parents both had Parkinsons, so I guess my odds were higher than most.

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