Christmas just the two of us… and Christmas stress

Today is Boxing Day and we have come home from our night away and an amazing Christmas Day where the food was incredible. Best of all, no prep, no dishes, no tidying up, no pressure or stress. Christmas Eve, I commented several times that this was the most relaxed I have been my entire life when it comes to the day before Christmas. No pressure to do, be or make anything. Just me and my lovely husband and amazing food. Christmas Day followed the same pattern as Christmas Eve, waking up to a nice breakfast at home, going into town to the hotel we were staying at and checking in early and relaxing before going down for a pre-dinner drink and our meal.

This morning we woke up to an awesome breakfast to start the day. We couldn’t eat like this too often but Christmas calories don’t count right!?!

Yesterday was a great day. Don’t get me wrong, I love and enjoy spending time with my children and grandchildren, but I always want everything to turn out perfectly, from the food to the presents hoping that all will be successful on the day. Most of the pressure I feel can be traced to one person and that person is me. I want everyone I love to have an awesome day, that we spend time as a family and all is calm, all is bright…. as ‘Silent Night’ wishes – and all is harmony.

Perhaps it is unrealistic to have perfect harmony when it’s not just the person hosting that is hoping for the best Christmas. Just like any other day, people can get stressed and anxious. Perhaps wondering whether the host – whether it’s your Mum, your Dad, your Nanna or any other person – wants any help? If you offer to help, are you really helping or does the person like to do it all themselves? If you don’t offer to help, perhaps you might worry that you are being judged and found wanting because you didn’t offer? Do you know your way around their kitchen? Or will you spend the whole time asking what is needed and where to find the equipment to do the task at hand? Would you want people to help in your kitchen, or do you have everything timed and sorted in your mind that has to be done?

But, Christmas stress is not just about the family gatherings. There can be the work Christmas ‘Do’ to navigate your way through. The first question being, ‘Do you go to each other’s or do you fly solo?’ The most difficult Christmas moment was when my husband was working for a firm that he has left quite some time ago. There was a Christmas get-together at someone’s home and we were told we could bring children if we had them. So, we borrowed our granddaughters and took them along. There was a bouncy castle out the back and all the kids were having a ball. All the men were standing around supervising and chatting looking happy and relaxed with a beer in their hands.

I looked around and noted that there were no women outside and realised that they must be inside doing something. I went in search of other female folk. Coming into the house I spied the women all in the kitchen, drinks in hand and all busying themselves sorting out food and chatting away. I walked in the door and immediately felt like this was a group of women who all knew each other and I felt quite uncomfortable. When I walked in, the conversation stopped as they all looked at me. A bit uncomfortable, as there was silence – not even a ‘hi how’re you doing?’ or anything – the proverbial pin could have dropped! In a voice that didn’t sound quite like my own, I said, ‘Hi. is there anything I can do?’ A very pregnant pause followed and then the hostess said ‘No, we’re fine!’ and went back to chatting. A very uncomfortable situation to find myself in and I think from there I backed out of the room and decided to stay with the boys!

I am sure – well reasonably sure – that no-one sought to be cruel or not include me, but all these women seemed to have known each other for ages. I was the odd one out that no-one knew and it was such a shame that someone didn’t invite me to join them, even if all the tasks had been allocated. But – this may surprise people who know me – I can be a curious mix of extrovert and introvert. Once I know people I am usually quite chatty, but put me in a room full of people I don’t know and the shutters might come up and I will find somewhere to be where I might not have to talk to anyone. Usually, I will sit and observe for a while and try talking to someone there and I often will come out of my shell. However, if met with silence like at my hubby’s work do, I can still just find a quiet corner and wait to be rescued by my husband. That’s the beauty of cellphones, I can send a text and hopefully he will come to my aid.

I think from that experience and others where he has come to my social gatherings and I to his, we now often just go to our own, so that our spouse doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable because they don’t know anyone. I used to think it was something that we ought to do, to go to our partner’s work functions, now I have a completely different attitude. Ultimately, my husband didn’t have a function this year, but I had one at my bowling club. As a courtesy, I asked my husband if he would like to come with me. He politely declined, pointing out that we would probably all be talking bowls and he would feel like a square peg in a round hole. I am happy that he is honest with me when it comes to social things. I think if it were really important to me, he would make the effort. But, I don’t want him to have to come and feel uncomfortable the whole evening even though I know everyone would make him welcome.

I have learned that stress is bad for Parkinson’s people. I often talk about the fact that I am happy to have retired from my stressful role as a hospital social worker. Life has much unavoidable stress and we all have to find a way through. But, if a potentially stressful situation arises I for one would like the opportunity to decline to attend. The same for my husband. You know the situation when you are with a bunch of people you know and your husband/wife/partner or other doesn’t know them? If it is a gathering with people I know, I try to ensure that my husband is included in conversations and want to keep an eye on him to see if he is OK. Not that he can’t look after himself, but I want him to be comfortable and happy with an social situation we are in. I find myself more concerned with how he is than enjoying being with my bowling mates or whoever we are with. So, for both our sakes – and there may be some exceptions – we can each go to our own ‘Do’s’ and not have to feel like we – or they – need to be with us.

If stress is at all avoidable, I say avoid it!

If stress is not completely avoidable – see if you can minimise it.

If stress is not completely avoidable and is not able to be minimised any other way, perhaps not staying too long will help?

But, ultimately if both of us want to have low stress, then not requiring each other to attend the other’s functions is a good expectation to let go of.

Hope you have all had a low stress or no-stress Christmas. Is there really any such thing as a no-stress? Well, yes for us it was doing our own thing this year. Not, that I want to do that every year because I do love to spend time with the grandies.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and hoping for all the best for 2026.