Here we are on 22/12/25 in the countdown to Christmas. Three days to go for children and grandchildren to be excited for a visit from Santa. Three days to prepare all the things that need to be prepared for things – hopefully – to go smoothly on the day.
This year though, for us it will be a very different Christmas, and this is something my husband and I agreed on a few months back. The norm for our family is for my son and daughter-in-law and their three sons to come and be with us at Christmas every second year. This year is an off year so they will be celebrating with the daughter-in-law’s family.
Our tradition then was to gather together and celebrate as a family with my daughter’s in-laws in the mix as well. Sometimes this has become a bit stressful as everyone expressed an opinion that there was a very good reason that the event should take place in their home. Somehow it all usually worked out and Christmas Day was usually OK, but it did take a lot of discussion and energy to get things organised.
So, as relationships have changed within the family, so the way we celebrate needs to change too.
This year my husband and I are going out for dinner on Christmas Day and my adult children and their children are all doing their own thing too. No stressful negotiations, no-one feeling they have to agree to a big family Christmas, when they would prefer to stay home in their PJ’s, watch rubbish TV and each rubbish. We can all find our own way of celebrating Christmas that suits us as individuals.
Over the years, within a family there are usually roles that family members have that they have done year after year. I have told this story before, but it’s a good example of how we can adjust expectations, but still have the person with Parkinson’s – if it affects them – still able to participate in the tradition. Here’s the story.
I worked with people with Dementia for many years and just before Christmas, the husband of one of my clients with dementia came to me to talk about a behaviour of his wife’s that was driving him crazy – his words not mine – and he couldn’t understand what the big issue was. The problem as he laid it out was that his wife always made a Christmas Cake each for their daughters and daughters-in-law. However, the husband reported that she had had several goes at making Christmas Cake and each ended in disaster. He said that she was in tears over this cake and he had said to her ‘…it’s just a Christmas Cake, why don’t you just buy them one!’ Her response he said was more tears. He shook his head as he laid out this tale and expressed great frustration at her ‘over-reaction’ at not being able to make the ‘girls’ a Christmas Cake each. When he had finished telling the tale, I said to him “This is not just a Christmas Cake to your wife. She has always made these cakes every year and it has been a gift of love to the ‘girls’ from her. Basically, it was an ‘I love you’ in cake form. So we talked some more and we came up with a plan. The plan was for the girls to get in touch with Mum to ask if it would be possible for them to come around to her house when she made the Christmas Cakes. To tell her how much they always enjoyed her cakes and that they wanted to be able to carry on the tradition themselves. This way, they could be present and in checking in with her that they had temperatures right etc, mixture looked as it should, etc they would all the time be thanking her for her sharing her secret recipe and she would feel valued and appreciated, rather than sidelined because she couldn’t make the cake for them.
Within families there are usually roles we are accustomed to and that family members might expect us to carry on. It may be – as in my case – I was the one to decorate the Christmas tree. Now I am unable to get on a step stool to reach the higher branches, I can have the assistance of my three granddaughters. It may be traditional for the oldest male carves the turkey or ham. If they are unable to do it, can they perhaps supervise and teach their son or grandson – in keeping with tradition if it is an expected male role – the right way to carve!
Some may find it difficult to wrap presents and may need assistance from another family member. Decorating the Christmas tree is a good way to involve younger members of the family and the person who would have done it – like me – can still supervise and be part of it still.
How do you cope with lots of people in close proximity talking loudly, perhaps with music in the background to add another level of noise? I find myself lagging behind in conversations sometimes when there is a big group. Trying to attract attention and get to put my two cents worth in can be difficult if your voice is getting quieter. Perhaps think about just having one on one conversations with someone who will listen carefully to you, so you can be heard. Having all the buzz and hype of excited children and lots of people talking can be very tiring for a tired and overworked brain. Perhaps introducing a ‘siesta’ or ‘Nanna/Grampy Nap’ period into the day where everyone does something quiet for a couple of hours, quietly reading a book, playing a quiet game on their phone or tablet or maybe listening to music with earbuds or headset. Giving the person with Parkinson’s an opportunity to get away from the happy chaos that is often present on Christmas Day. This is a great opportunity to enable them to rest and better enjoy the latter part of the day with family.
What are the Christmas traditions in your family?
Can they be amended so the person affected can still participate?
Knowing yourself – if you are the person with Parkinson’s (PWP) – what do you need family to understand so the day goes more smoothly?
Can the PWP still do part of the traditional role, with input from an adult child or older grandchild?
Have you asked the PWP if they have any needs on the day for them to feel comfortable and included?
Three days to go now and I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas whether you are with family or decide to have a quiet Christmas.
If you want to hear a bit more on this topic, do check out my podcast ‘My journey with Parkinson’s’ on Spotify, Youtube and other platforms.
My journey with Parkinsons 