Culling my friend list… Why?

I wrote recently about the importance of having a support network, of having friends and family that I could rely on. Also, the importance of finding people who we could rely on in times of need. Over the last few days, I have been thinking more about this topic. Sometimes I don’t know why these things pop into my head, but when they do I have to do something, to write about or talk about this topic. I came to realise something, that I needed to expand upon my recent post. The post about friends to family, family to friends.

I spoke about the importance of nurturing relationships, maybe not those precise words, but building a network of supportive friends. What I did yesterday, might in that context seem counter intuitive and the exact opposite of building a network.

What did I do yesterday?

I started culling my friend list on Facebook.

Social media can be a great way to connect with people, but it can also be a very shallow way of doing so. How easy is it to put an emoji, a smiley face, a thumbs up, a like, a hug emoji. In relying on social media, we often don’t communicate in any other way. The following is not meant to be a judgement, it just is what it is and people have busy lives. This is just my take on friendships and connections.

So, I look at each of my ‘friends’ on Facebook and I developed a criteria for keeping or culling them. That criterion is simple.

• Have I heard from them since retiring?

• If I have heard from them, is it predominantly through FB?
• Has the only contact been the odd emoji on a post that I have written?
• Have I seen them physically, in person?

If the outcome of the questions are that I have not seen them in person, heard from them for a real conversation even if it’s not in person, but by phone call. If the only contact is via FB and predominantly the odd emoji on a post then they have been culled. I feel that if they haven’t taken the time to call me or arranged to see me – again, no judgement, people are busy – then I have removed them as a FB friend.

I think these days, it is too easy to contact only via social media.

What I need in my life now is the direct opposite of the emoji laden ‘conversations’ in the likes of FB (Facebook). Instead of an emoji hug, what I need is a real hug. If it’s a thumbs up for a post that they like it would be nice if people rung me and told me what they liked perhaps? Instead of a heart emoji, if you love me show it not in emojis but in being there for me.

When looking at my connections then, I ask myself ‘Who would be there for me if I need them in a crisis?’ Who would take me to the hospital if I were on my own and something happens? None of the people culled are likely to do so.

For me, it is always quality over quantity every time. I can count on the fingers of one hand, or it might just sneak into two hands, the people who will really be there for me. My cousin has also been just wonderful and I can count on her every time. If I need her she will be here for me if she can. Most times if I have called her she has been here. My husband is my primary support and I know I just plain wouldn’t have coped without him. He is always here for me and he does so much. I have wonderful brothers who would be there in a flash if there were some big health crisis or other huge life event, they would be here every time and they have been.

I know my oldest brother came through for me wonderfully many years ago. He was my hero. I think I had just had a diagnosis of cervical cancer – from memory – I was on my own with three teenage kids and I was scared. He lived in NZ then and I think about a 5 hour drive from me. I rang him and told him of my diagnosis and was in tears. We had a good talk and I think I hung up and didn’t realise what was to come next. Sometime later there was a knock on the door and there was my big brother with a bottle of gin, a bottle of tonic and some KFC. He had driven for hours to do this for me. He gave me a real hug, which is what I needed. He poured me a stiff G&T accompanied by a binge on KFC. We sat and talked and he was there for me. I hold that memory very dear and will never forget how he came through for me when I really needed him. When Mum was with us and at the stage of deteriorating with her Parkinson’s when they knew I needed their support, my older two brothers in particular would drop everything if I needed them and be here. That is the sort of support network that we need I think.

So, I have culled my FB friends.

I choose to keep those who would give me a real hug, not an emoji hug.

My group of friends may be small, but beautifully formed.

Quality vs Quantity – Quality wins every time.

To all my friends, if you need a hug tell me!

If it is humanly possible for me to get to you, I will give you a real hug!

Nothing beats having someone by your side when you need them.