Our history makes us who we are today…

There have been lots of things that have occurred to me during this trip and thoughts and feelings that I already had that have been reaffirmed. One of the biggest joys of this trip has been catching up with friends and family. The friends and family have originally been my husband’s but I take them as my own now too!

As my husband came to live in New Zealand over 20 years ago now, his life – I hope – is deeply rooted in that country now. However, he began his life in England and remained there till he was in his early forties.

We have met with friends he went on Trekking/Tramping holidays with that he has known since the 90’s. I sat and watched and listened as they reminisced about some of their adventures and felt privileged to be part of that group, even if as just a ‘hanger-on’. To see my husband laughing and sharing memories with these people who he has shared so much with has deepened my knowledge of who he is as a person. To see the pleasure on his face as he recalls the memories with his friends has been touching and wonderful.

We also caught up with a workmate he has known for perhaps 30 years and his wife. Again, many tales were told – some he remembered, some he didn’t – and again lots of laughter and sharing was happening. Rather than feeling left out because I had not been part of that life, I loved seeing him interacting with his old friend (who would object to being called old) and enjoying his company. The wife and I got on well, so chatted away and got to know each other.

This week we have been to have a catch-up and a lunch with his cousins and their husbands, together with my husband’s sister. It was fun to hear the tales of their childhood and the warmth with which they greeted each other. We have been sending photos taken of our gathering with each other and photos of their beloved ‘Grampy’ and tales of his life.

All of this brings home to me how much family means as we get older. The people we have a shared history with, who know us from our younger years to the years as we age become more important. To have a strong foundation of people who know you well and understand you can be invaluable when facing our latter years and the health challenges that go with it.

I am fortunate to have my son and daughter reasonably accessible – my son lives a 40 minute plane ride away and my daughter a 10 minute drive from my work – and to be able to spend time with them, their spouses and their children (our grandies!) is a joy to me.

It occurs to me that each type of relationship differs greatly from each other. One of our friends asked ‘how many lives do you think you have had?’ and it was a good question. I have been married three times and each of those lives have been markedly different. I had the life of growing up with my brothers and Mum and Dad. I have had a life where I was in receipt of a benefit and studying and a life where I graduated and started out in my career. I have had a life pre and post my Parkinson’s diagnosis. Each ‘life’ that I have had has been populated by different people who know me in different ways. The people I work with know me a different way than my children do. To them I am Mum and Nanna and their perspective will be very different to those that know me as a work colleague, a niece, a sister, a wife. Having these different relationships creates a richness in a support system that brings with it different skills and understandings.

Even the experiences in my life that were not positive – such as an abusive second marriage – ultimately lead me to the life that I have now. A life enriched by a husband who is an amazing support, a career where I am valued and relationships that I would not have had, had I not come to Christchurch as a result of my abusive previous experience. I cannot fully regret that negative experience, because out of it – ultimately – I have so much to be thankful for in my life that I otherwise would in all likelihood not have experienced.

Even my Parkinson’s has been referred to in this Blog as ‘a gift’ and in many ways it has been. It has given me focus, it has given me purpose, it has made me a better person in so many ways. If not for Parkinson’s I don’t think I would be the better Nanna that I know I am now. The better cousin, sister, niece and wife. The better social worker with an understanding of the trauma of a significant life altering condition.

Those that share our history and with whom we continue to maintain a relationship, will be the people we can rely on in the future.