It has been a challenging time, this last few months. Not only have I recently been diagnosed with Parkies, but lost someone very close and dear to me two months before. So, to me it is natural that I am grieving for the loss of a special person in my life, but also the loss – in some ways – of the future I envisaged.
I am trying to be proactive about decisions for my future and one of those is where I live with my husband. We have a home that we really love, but it is impractical to stay here forever – as we had always intended to – as it is a two-storey home, with our bedroom and ensuite upstairs. What I know is that there is little I can do to change that fact, the fact that at some stage we will need to sell and buy a home that is on one level and accessible. At the moment the real estate market is buoyant and our lovely home would probably sell quite well and we could buy a single storey home. So, should we do this sooner than later?
It feels at times there is little I can control in this journey, although I am doing everything I can to maximise my chances of wellness for longer, such as regular focussed exercise. What I don’t want to happen is to put off the decision to sell and find us forced into a corner when/if my mobility deteriorates and we are forced to sell without actively choosing to do so.
So, I have been mulling this over in my head today. When my husband came home from work I was crying as I am finding at times that there are so many decisions to be made on this journey and many of them hard! He raised the thought that I might be depressed. I know depression can be a part of Parkinson’s , but having had depression in the past, I don’t think this is what is happening for me. I think my tearfulness is a natural reaction to the grief and loss I have been – and still am – experiencing.
I am a planner, an organiser and someone who thinks and feels deeply. It is an inherent part of my being. So, I overthink sometimes. I feel for my husband who has to sometimes come home to a teary wife. But, this new life with Parkies is so new and so overwhelming sometimes that maybe tears are my bodies way of releasing tension? A safety release valve if you will. I think it is natural and something perhaps I should just accept. I don’t think I am ‘depressed’ just have moments of natural sadness.
So, there are still big decisions to be made at some point and we are not clear when those decisions need to be made. What we don’t want to happen is that the option to make the decision is forced upon us in trauma. Perhaps if we ‘future proof’ ourselves by choosing to move, that is one future worry I can put to one side? Perhaps we can then focus on now.