I was born in 1961, in an era where it was common to hear statements like, “Big boys don’t cry!” A huge expectation from quite a young age that boys/men did not cry, did not outwardly show their emotions. Girls/women on the other hand were often dismissed for any show of emotions as being hysterical, or soft or overly emotional. For both men and women it often made life hard when the expression via tears was seen as a sign of weakness.
There is still – I feel – some reluctance from many people to be seen to cry. I was talking to someone at the pool where I go three times a week and I started to talk about my oldest son Adam, who passed away in 2020. I am able to speak sometimes without getting teary, but there is often at least a wee wobble in my voice as the emotions come. The person I was talking to said something like, ‘Don’t talk about it if it makes you upset!’ I wonder whether she was concerned for me or that she didn’t want a lump of emotion in front of her that she didn’t know how to deal with! Often the reaction of people when confronted by someone in tears or near to tears instantly say, “Don’t cry!” and this to me is often not what is useful for me, if I am the bearer of the tears. To me, it intimates that it is a bad thing to cry. That we should take every step we can to shut down the urge to cry. Change the subject. Make light of the subject or even pretend we are not near to tears aka ‘dust in my eyes’ or some other excuse for moistness around the eyes!
Many, many years ago I worked with people in the early stages of dementia. We had a support group for them and this particular time, it was all men. Now, one of the men started to talk about a grandchild and he started to quietly cry, just tears slowly running down his face as he talked. The man next to him, put a gentle hand on his shoulder and acknowledged him. In a matter of moments all of them were sharing their stories – and their tears – and really connecting. Their wives had started going for coffee together while they waited for the group to end. As the session started to draw to a close, I checked in with all the guys and asked if they were OK before they left. The tears had turned to laughter and I was made to promise not to tell their wives! The old, “what’s said in group, stays in group!” applied and I sent them – all smiling – out to their awaiting wives. I walked out of that group and said to one of my co-workers, “That was a great group, I had all the guys in tears!” The look on the office managers face said it all, she thought I had lost the plot! Far from it, I was happy because – largely because of social expectations of this age group – that men at this age and stage did not usually cry in front of anyone. The fact that they had all felt safe to show their emotions and vulnerability was a privilege. Also, they went from tears to laughter and you could see that they were feeling much better for a good old therapeutic cry.
Often, we try to be strong in front of our partners or other family members. I still find it hard to cry in front of my children or grandchildren, but my poor husband has seen more than his fair share.
But, I say now if you need to cry, then cry. If you have trouble releasing those carefully hidden emotions through tears, I have in the past suggested watching a movie with lots of sad bits. You may cry because of some empathy with the characters on the screen, but there will often be some release for your own tears too.
So, please don’t be afraid of tears.
They are a release, a safety value if you like, to remove pressure.
If you are on the receiving end as it were, try to stop yourself – if you can – from saying ‘please don’t cry!’ For that may be exactly what they need to do at the time.
Provide a safe space for the person in front of you to cry.
If it is you, I hope that you can find someone to cry out your emotions to. While it is difficult in the moment, much of the time it feels cathartic to let the tears flow.
If you’d like to hear more on this, check out my podcast. While you’re there have a bit of a look around, you may find some useful insights into this life with Parkinson’s. My podcast can be found on Spotify, Youtube and Apple. Below is a link to my podcast ‘My journey with Parkinson’s’
My journey with Parkinsons 