Is this my future?

Sometimes working in a hospital is not the easiest thing. Especially when you work in a neurological ward where people have brain injuries and strokes and the ward next door is a stroke ward for older people.

I walked past the gym today and there was an older man sitting in the gym and something about him reminded me of Parkinson’s. The lack of expression on his face, a noticeable tremor, obvious weakness on one side of his body. It made me think of someone in the latter stages of Parkinson’s.

Despite all my efforts to live in the moment, I can’t help sometimes thinking, ‘Will that be me one day?’

At the moment I have a cough which seems to be getting worse. I had a coughing fit where I felt like my throat was closing and I couldn’t breathe properly. I had moments of thinking is this how it will end one day?

These thoughts are frightening and come unbidden. I don’t deliberately let myself go in this direction, in fact I try not to. But, sometimes I can’t help but think of the future and it’s scary.

But, I hope tomorrow I can focus on the day and not on the future. Today is just a moment in time when my thoughts go where I don’t wish them to. However, they are the minority and mostly I can live in the moment. But, I must be honest with myself that I can’t always do that and fear of the future will sometimes intrude.

Tomorrow I get to spend some time with my only daughter. I will consciously turn my thoughts and energies towards that and banish these negative thoughts…

Published by kiwipommysue

I work in health and have been with the same supportive team for over 7 years. They are all aware of my diagnosis and this helps tremendously especially while I get used to the idea of my diagnosis. My parents both had Parkinsons, so I guess my odds were higher than most.

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